Friday Jokes

[Alisoncc]

That's a bugger. Next door's dog does it all the time. Should I be worried.

[FD2]

An English lawyer went duck hunting in The Dales. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied: "This is my property and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said: "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said: "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Yorkshire. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked: "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied: "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said: "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said: "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[ricardian]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

[Slasher]

Excerpts From a Gulf Daily Diary:

9.00 pm - bedside alarm goes off. Hours slept 5.
9.10 pm - accepted the fact I have to get up and work
9.30 am - shower complete. Have coffee
10.00pm - drive to work against the flow of traffic
10.20pm - park car
10.30pm - made it to Ops on time. Where's the flight plan?
10.31pm - told aircraft late. One hour delay.
10.32pm - read notams and wx. Draw doodles on the pages.
10.40pm - F/O rolls up. Go for coffee.
10.45pm - talk sh!t with F/O. See cabin crew. Talk sh!t with them.
11.00pm - still no flight plan. Talk more sh!t over more coffee.
11.20pm - read some posts on Ops normal.
11.30pm - F/O comes back. No flight plan yet. Continue talking.
11.50pm - flight plan printed and ready.
12.05am - flight plan done. To CAI at FL360. MELs noted.
12.30am - finally get to aircraft after passing through the gate with 160 fat obese Ijjiptians all farting at once.
1.10 am - pushback
1.30am - takeoff Gulf
4.29am - "HERE COMES THE PAIN BABY! HERE COMES THE PAIN!"
4.30am - land CAI
5.15am - takeoff CAI
8.15am - land Gulf. Made up no time on schedule
8.35am - make out delay report on inhouse puter.
9.10am - backout car and drive home.
9.30am - arr apartment garage bleary eyed
"Good morning capt fine day!" "Hi Rod it's a great morning huh!"
9.35am - arr apartment busting for a leak.
9.40am - take a refreshing dump.
9.50am - moonshine time!
10.00am - Ops normal. Read posts. Whinge and bitch about Venus
10.30am - chew on something left over in the fridge
10.40am - go through the emails and stock reports.
11.30am - go out and do stuff needing doing.
1.00pm - take another dump and pee
1.15pm - moonshine time!
1.45pm - set alarm for 9pm. Do it all again!

[Woody]

Love this Japanese Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[ricardian]

Appropriate advertisement for the news item

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

AI advertising has some way to go, I feel.

Still, at least the homicide division of the Police can pop into Bargaintown the next week and ask
"So, your normal weekly sales of 27 wardrobes dropped to 2. Could we have the names of those two, please?"

[Boac]

Big catering problems at Heathrow. 'Airlive' tweet this afternoon:

"BOT Rain expected at London Heathrow"

[ricardian]

[ricardian]

[Ex-Ascot]

The UK is a joke:

Claire Milliner, 42, and Martin Chambers, 47, were heartbroken when their daughter, 16, ran away to Scotland, to marry Thomas Arnold, 27. The pair had met on a dating app before getting married on December 27 in Gretna Green, where it is legal to marry at 16 without parental permission. The bride had turned 16 just two months before. Last month, Claire and Martin received a letter from the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) requesting they pay £3,634.84 a year towards their daughter’s ‘upkeep’.

https://metro.co.uk/2019/05/04/parents- ... d-9412129/

[ian16th]

The parents should be proud.

Their daughter at least got married!
A little formality the parents forgot about.

I suppose that allowances should be made though as we are talking about The Forest of Dean.

[llondel]

[FD2]

'I suppose that allowances should be made though as we are talking about The Forest of Dean.'

Just don't mention the bear...

[OFSO]

They have Drop Bears in the Forest of Dean ?

[ricardian]

[ricardian]

[FD2]

Who killed the bears?!

https://www.gloucestershirelive.co.uk/n ... ear-730038

A sore point for quite a few years....a bit like the monkey in Hartlepool...

[ricardian]

Prince Philip arrives to see the new baby

[ricardian]

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

A: A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.