Friday Jokes

[Boac]

What's the problem - it plays ok here?

[Undried Plum]

[Slasher]

Sent that to the wife. She's still laughing her tits off.

[ricardian]

What grandmothers should look like

[OFSO]

One for our South African friends. A British lesbian woman who fled from her "wife" in Canada has landed illegally from a RIB in Jersey CI with her children on board. She fled Canada with her sperm donor...Van der Merwe.

He gets everywhere....

[Boac]

As a joke that lost me somewhere! Can the dim-witted have an explanation please?

[OFSO]

Suggest Cape explains !

[Pontius Navigator]

As a joke that lost me somewhere! Can the dim-witted have an explanation please?

Me too.

How about

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_der_Merwe

[OFSO]

Van der Merwe as a sperm donor: guess I was thinking of this:

Van der Merwe goes to Paris to watch the Boks take on the Brits at the world cup.

Whilst in Paris, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.

Van goes berserk, he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.

He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal."

Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."

[jimtherev]

Well, why didn't you say that in the first place?

Seriously, though, UHHHH????

[OFSO]

" Hey, Van, they want to take your knackers off !"

" Oh.... that's no problem, I thought the idiots wanted to take my test tickets !'

Point of joke is van den Merwe misheard "testicles" for "test tickets." Like any good South African, he'd rather lose his gonads than miss seeing the 'Boks beat England.

Can we move on now....

[Slasher]

Yep indeedy moving right along...

https://me.me/i/real-fact-vitamins-are- ... f9d726355b

[ian16th]

Clipboard01.jpg (30.25 KiB) Viewed 613 times

[ricardian]

[Slasher]

Sorry Ric but I think the perfect woman still needs a mouth!

[ricardian]

One for Jimtherev:
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to the priest who was sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Father, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
The priest replied, "Sorry, I'm in sales not management."

[Hydromet]

I heard that JtR was on a flight that had some serious difficulties. Apparently, the bloke sitting next to him, seeing his dog collar, said "Quick, do something religious!", so Jim took up a collection.

[Capetonian]

Sorry Ric but I think the perfect woman still needs a mouth

The design flaw was enabling the voicebox.

[ricardian]

[Slasher]

Atheist bloke dies and surprised that he actually fronts the Pearlies.

Though he believed in no god he'd been a good kind and generous man, raised a fine family, gave to charity regularly and assisted in his local community where possible.

Thing is he'd been a hardcore porn addict all his life.

St Peter told him he'd been in discussion with God about his case, and the decision is that he meets the Boss himself. He's given a temporary visitors card and ushered to God's all white plush waiting room with only one seat. After 153 years waiting Mother Theresa comes in and says God will see you now.

He walks in and sees God in all his glory. He's absolutely floored and says he had no idea.
"Siddown mate. Take a load off. Sorry I had some paperwork to take care of. You must be thirsty after a century and a half. Want a coffee?"
"Er yes little cream no sugar. Thank you God...Lord..."
"Jesus will do for now fella."
"Ok...um Jesus."
Jesus lights a cigar and says "Surprised to see me huh?"
"Yes indeed! I'm amazed there actually is a God...er sir, and a Heaven. And an Afterlife!"
"Well yeh that happens a lot. Last one was Carl Sagan. He pissed me off big time asking me for my biology and evolution. He even asked for the Unified Theory of Everything! But you..you haven't shown such arrogance. Anyway down to business. From your file here you did a many good things in your life."
"Yes sir...er Jesus."
"So I guess you want in here rather than go down to the Lake of Fire and suffer continuous non-stop pain agony and torment for an infinite number of aeons at the hands of Satan and his minions? They cruelly hate all humans by the way because you were made in my image. They don't like me much."
"That would be my first choice Jesus."
"Ok...again let's get down to business. Did you ever talk to me?"
"No. I didn't think you existed."
"Did you ever attend Sunday mass?"
"Er no...for the same reason."
"Did you ever think of just dropping by a church to say g'day in case?"
"No."
"Did you ever try to discuss with a priest the possibility of my existence? I am the Alpha and Omega of the entire Universes of Creation you know."
"No. Um I never did."
"But you want in to heaven here which is my house."
"Well ah..yes. Believe me I certainly believe in you now!"
"Yeh I know that. I know All Things. Anyway let's put this in some perspective. Suppose I was a bloke who lived a good life, and once done I rocked up to your digs saying I wish to stay in it. I never spoke to you, never enquired, never rung, hell never even thought you existed. Would you just let me plonk my bags inside because I was a goooood boy and expect a nice room to say in forever just like that?"
"[gulp] chances are...no. But I'd talk about..,"
"No of course you wouldn't. You'd be crazy if you did!"
"[gulp!]"
"Don't panic just yet my good man, but a confession to that priest issuing you the last rites by your bed would've helped."
"Yes indeed Jesus."
"Well as you probably know I'm a merciful God so I'm inclined to let you in the place.."
"Um...yes...."
"But there's that little tiny problem of you being..."
"...YES..."
"A big time bloody porn addict! Doesn't look good on your file here my lad."
"But...but..."
"How do I know you're not going to try bowling over one of our angels in the future? Some are quite cute."
"I...I...I wouldn't! I...I...I...I'm dead! Sex doesn't exist here!"
"Who said so baby?"
"Well...well...it makes sense doesn't it? Sex is for procreation and there's no procreation after death!...Jesus sir."
"Not necessarily. This is heaven. Perfect happiness."
"But...but...!"
"Nah relax man. I'm just screwin' with your head. There's no sex here. A bunch of idiots a while back were told there was by believers in a paedophile who worshipped a non-existent Moon god. They were just as surprised as you ha ha! Anyway they're all down Below."
"Please Jesus just tell me my Fate. I will accept your judgement without question. Even though the porn I watched did no harm to anybody I'll accept what you decide."
"Well there is one thing you can do, but you'll probably consider it beneath you..."
"Anything Jesus anything!"
"Well we could do with a few belly laughs up here. How'd you like to reincarnated?"
"Reincarn...??"
"Here's the catch - you will be the most laughed at person on the planet. Everyone will treat you as a total joke and every time you open your mouth you'll say something even more stupid than the last. You'll be the biggest twit of your time and not even realise it. You'll even look dumb and be useless in everything you try to do. People who listen to you and take you seriously will be the biggest moronic jackass losers that can be dug up. You'll be reviled and laughed at all your life. And the fact is you'll be too dumb too stupid and too insane to even know its happening."
"I accept!"
"Ok let's see what we got. You'll be a female of course. Ilhan...no Hef got that role. Ah yes here's one. Alexa...Alexus...Alexander... er Theresa can you come in here a sec?"
"Yes Lord?"
"What's the name of that totally demented female bimbo we invented who we want to laugh our asses off at?"
"Let me see my Lord. Ah here it is. Alexandria Ocas.."
"Alexandria Ocasio Cortez! Hope to it fella. And do a good job in making the world laugh too huh? It needs it."

So far I think he's doing a superb job!