Friday Jokes

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Boac
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4381 Post by Boac » Tue Jan 14, 2020 4:22 pm

Was he sailing round the Horn at the time?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4382 Post by ricardian » Tue Jan 14, 2020 4:25 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4383 Post by ricardian » Tue Jan 14, 2020 7:26 pm

Seen on another forum:
It's been years since my wife wanted sex but tonight she's been all, "Why don't we go upstairs?" And, "I've got something for you up there" and "I'm going to make you sweat tonight," I've got a horrible suspicion she's had a self assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4384 Post by ricardian » Tue Jan 14, 2020 11:04 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4385 Post by k3k3 » Tue Jan 14, 2020 11:15 pm

So she's not black then?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4386 Post by jimtherev » Tue Jan 14, 2020 11:26 pm

Might be one-legged, though. Impossible to see from here.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4387 Post by ricardian » Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:00 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4388 Post by ricardian » Wed Jan 15, 2020 3:57 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4389 Post by ricardian » Wed Jan 15, 2020 4:01 am

Scientists at a major University have recently hypothesized that if you took an infinite number of monkeys and placed them in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, before long, the smell would be unbearable.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4390 Post by ribrash » Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:12 am

Coming to a road near you....
Image

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4391 Post by ricardian » Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:44 am

Image
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4392 Post by ricardian » Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:37 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4393 Post by ricardian » Wed Jan 15, 2020 3:12 pm

Image
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4394 Post by ricardian » Wed Jan 15, 2020 5:02 pm

Image
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4395 Post by ricardian » Wed Jan 15, 2020 6:49 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4396 Post by Pontius Navigator » Wed Jan 15, 2020 6:56 pm

Not the only ones

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Once James Bond always James Bond

#4397 Post by CharlieOneSix » Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:35 pm

Not really a joke but amusing.........
The helicopter pilots' mantra: If it hasn't gone wrong then it's just about to...
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4398 Post by bob2s » Thu Jan 16, 2020 5:47 am

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple
of sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.
He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.
But Elton starts crying.
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4399 Post by TheGreenGoblin » Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:26 am

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter to the family.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well, hope youse are too? Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
Though you remain
Convinced
"To be alive
You must have somewhere
To go
Your destination remains
Elusive."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4400 Post by Boac » Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:29 am

:-bd I did not see where that one was going.

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