Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

Basic wedding etiquette!

[unifoxos]

A while back a friend invited me to his third wedding. I wasn't going to be able to make it due to an already-booked holiday so I had to refuse, but said I would go to the divorce instead.

Fortunately he understands my sense of humour.

[Capetonian]

IMG-20190423-WA0004.jpg (57.24 KiB) Viewed 710 times

[Pontius Navigator]

I think that post above should be confined to the Men Only section and not to be revealed.

[ricardian]

Wish me luck with the London Marathon this Sunday!
Last year I managed 4 hours, 12 mins, 9 seconds.
This year I'm going to try and beat that
........ but I usually get bored and switch over to another TV channel

[Slasher]

I think that post above should be confined to the Men Only section and not to be revealed.

Yes. We should have a Men Only subforum. Then we can freely talk without gettin' the wimmin upset or finding out our secret bloke stuff.

Hang on...

We already got one.

The Sick Joke thread.

[ricardian]

[ricardian]

Sound advice from an old-style GP who still makes house calls

[Woody]

[ricardian]

Condoms do NOT guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband

[llondel]

[Pontius Navigator]

Gently swimming in the Indian Ocean, as you do, one of the Arab beach guards was walking along the shore line with a board and shouting Arks, Arks.

Thought he was selling iced lollies with the way people were running towards him

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

If you are planning on joining the Army, do not name your dog 'Fire'


or even 'Five'. Firing countdowns omit this number.

[ricardian]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet . As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says: "'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box , and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Take off all your clothes.
4. Sit on bed and spread your legs and frog will do the rest.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and and gets on her bed and places the frog in front of her and nothing happens, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly in its eyes and STERNLY says: ' LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ..MORE ...TIME!'

[FD2]

World's Shortest Books from a slightly right wing friend! Apologies for the formatting.

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda
& Michelle Obama

Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros



______________________________ __________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By "The Rev Jesse Jackson"
& "The Rev Al Sharpton"



______________________________ ________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton



_________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton



_________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates



______________________________ ______
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman



______________________________ ___
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry



______________________________ _______
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian



______________________________ ____
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell



__________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson



______________________________ ____
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

______________________________ _________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson



______________________________ ___________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy



________
MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton

With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards



______________________________ _____________________
HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
By The Minnesota Vikings



______________________________ _____________________
AND, JUST ADDED:

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi



______________________________ ____________
And the shortest book of all....
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama

[Slasher]

HOW TO PAY FOR THE NEW GREEN DEAL
A realistic accounting budget and monetary plan

By Alexandria Ocasio Cortez
________________________
MY TOTAL HONESTY IN POLITICS

By Hillary Clinton
_________________________
HOW TEXAS LOVES SOCIALISTS
_________________________
ALL THAT IS GOOD WITH THE EU

By Nigel Farage
__________________________
SMALL BREASTS ARE APPEALING

By Rod K Slasher
Forward by Runway In Sight
___________________________
WHY THE FRENCH SHOULD BE LOVED

By Cape Tonian
Introduction by Sqn Ldr Ex-Ascot
____________________________
REASONS WHY TRUMP IS A BEAUTIFUL MAN

By Boac
____________________________
I CAPITALISM

By Jeremy Corbyn
and Diane Abbot
____________________________
INTERESTING NIGHT FLIGHTS TO CAIRO

By Rod K Slasher
_____________________________
ISLAM: WHY I LOATHE IT

By Ilhan Omar

Also available by the same author

WHY I LOVE THE JEWISH PEOPLE
_____________________________
STRONG DECISIVE LEADERSHIP: HOW I DO IT

By Theresa May
_____________________________
THE POSITIVES OF MACRON

- The Yellow Brigade Group
_____________________________
CLIMATE CHANGE - THE PRAGMATIC MATH AND SCIENCE EXPLAINED

- Extinction Rebellion
_____________________________
MY CLIMATOLOGY DOCTORATE AND ENVIRONMENTAL PHYSICS DEGREE

- Greta Thornberg
_____________________________

[FD2]

One to amuse the Aussies:

https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/enterta ... and-accent

Suxy eccint, as good as the fush n chups here, eh?

These actors just can't pull it off can they, eh?

https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/enterta ... rtist-says

One of the highlights of our first meal with friends here was being invited to check out his 'dick'. Took Mrs FD2 back a little , until it she realised it was a deck inspection...

[G-CPTN]

Antonio Giovinazzi (during a RC car challenge):- "Did you see my wheelie?"

[ribrash]

[Boac]

Why is that headline upside-down?