Friday Jokes

[FD2]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went

to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

‘Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood

knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father...She started to repay me with sexual favours.

This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays'

The priest said, 'that was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed

the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can

easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

And what is that my son?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

[FD2]

Beaver small.jpg (37.38 KiB) Viewed 795 times

[Pontius Navigator]

Sign of the times

I told Mrs PN

"He's dead" , she said.

'So's Rhodes ", says I.

[ricardian]

How on earth.....

[Woody]

[Boac]

[ricardian]

A young male student asked his English professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?”
The professor replied. “Well, there is nothing better than an example to illustrate this. Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on?”

[Capetonian]

For those of you who may not have seen this as yet - ENJOY !!!

A group of 12 women were attending a seminar titled : ‘How to live in a loving relationship with your husband ?’ when they were asked : “How many of you love your husbands ?" All the women proudly raised their hands in the affirmative.

They were then asked : “When was the last time that you told your husband that you loved him ? “Some women answered immediately, a few a bit later but sadly, many of them just shrugged their shoulders and wistfully proclaimed not to be able to remember.

In the wake of this, the women were told to send a simple WhatsApp message to their husbands saying : “I love you, sweetheart."

As a follow on to this, the women were then instructed to exchange phones with the woman sitting next to them and read aloud the text message they received in response to their respective messages.

Below are the 12 actual replies from their husbands and for those of you who have been married for a year or two, it is likely that you may giggle delightedly / contentedly at their replies - probably a sign of love made visible and in action ...

Anyway, here are their replies ...

1. Who the hell is this ?
2. Hey, now what ? Are you sick or something ?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong ?
4. What now ? Did you wreck the car again ?
5. I don't understand what you mean ?
6. What the hell did you do now ?
7. Are you sure this is for me ? Hope it is not meant for some other oke ?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need ?
9. Am I dreaming because this is so unlike you ? Who is putting you up to this ?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die. Who is he ? Do I know him ?
11. I thought we agreed that you wouldn't drink during the day. How can you do this to us ?
12. Damn, is your mother coming to stay with us again ? Hell No !!!

[ricardian]

Culinary misunderstanding

[Woody]

Culinary misunderstanding

No

[Woody]

[Woody]

The electric fence and the lawnmower..
We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time.......stood........still..........

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just ***** your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of ***** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

[Woody]

[Boac]

Woody - big ouch!

[ricardian]

Ingenuity

[Alisoncc]

[FD2]

Woody - thank you - it's a long time since I almost wet myself laughing (at the lawnmower and fence tale).

Liverpool - back where they should be! The old man, who was a Liverpudlian, took me to see Liverpool play at Anfield when I was about 14. Great atmosphere and in a real 'stand' - i.e. standing. He told me that when he went to see them play Everton as a teenager there was seldom any trouble and couldn't understand the 'modern' trend to try and kick the heads of the rival supporters in - especially fellow Scousers. He must have been talking about the early 1930s and the match we went to see was about 1961.

[ricardian]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! ..... and all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[ricardian]

Knowledge gained

[ricardian]

Football related