Friday Jokes

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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5401 Post by ricardian » Sat Jul 04, 2020 3:20 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5402 Post by ricardian » Sat Jul 04, 2020 10:23 am

Simon the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Maurice the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Maurice the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Simon the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Simon the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Maurice the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.
The next day, Maurice the Physician made a batch of itching Powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Maurice the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Simon the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch. King Arthur quickly summoned Simon the Dragon Slayer. Maurice the Physician then slipped Simon the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Simon the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Simon the Dragon Slayer found Maurice the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Simon the Dragon Slayer could have cared less and knowing that Maurice the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Maurice the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loin cloth. Of course, based upon the events of the previous day King Arthur quickly summoned Simon the Dragon Slayer…
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5403 Post by ricardian » Sat Jul 04, 2020 1:36 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5404 Post by Pontius Navigator » Sat Jul 04, 2020 2:02 pm

What dog?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5405 Post by Boac » Sat Jul 04, 2020 2:42 pm

I'm not sure, but if she is not careful it might be a Schitzu.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5406 Post by Pontius Navigator » Sat Jul 04, 2020 4:24 pm

Or a Spitzpoo

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5407 Post by ricardian » Sat Jul 04, 2020 5:11 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5408 Post by CharlieOneSix » Sat Jul 04, 2020 5:30 pm

ricardian wrote:
Sat Jul 04, 2020 1:36 pm
Does anyone know whose dog this is?
Now don't tell me I'm the only one who looked at the website...they say everything is delivered in plain packaging but they do their own deliveries :-o. Not that we have any neighbours but if we did I wouldn't want that van delivering anything!
The helicopter pilots' mantra: If it hasn't gone wrong then it's just about to...
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5409 Post by Opsboi » Sat Jul 04, 2020 5:47 pm

I phoned B&Q once they'd reopened and asked how big the queue was

Bloke said “Same size as the B”

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5410 Post by Opsboi » Sat Jul 04, 2020 5:55 pm

Boris Johnson walks into a bank

"Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

BJ: "I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister"

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but I must insist on seeing ID"

BJ: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"

BJ: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his 7 iron and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

"Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a **** donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chip joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque.

"So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."

Cashier: "That's fine, Mr Johnson - will that be large denominations or small?"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5411 Post by tango15 » Sat Jul 04, 2020 7:02 pm

CharlieOneSix wrote:
Sat Jul 04, 2020 5:30 pm
ricardian wrote:
Sat Jul 04, 2020 1:36 pm
Does anyone know whose dog this is?
Now don't tell me I'm the only one who looked at the website...they say everything is delivered in plain packaging but they do their own deliveries :-o. Not that we have any neighbours but if we did I wouldn't want that van delivering anything!
Leicester is not too far away from me. I could probably go and collect mine!

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5412 Post by Hydromet » Sat Jul 04, 2020 10:39 pm

ricardian wrote:
Sat Jul 04, 2020 1:36 pm
Does anyone know whose dog this is?
I was once asked to design a bed for a woman whom I'd known at uni. I sketched several designs for her, and as a joke, did one in simulated checker plate, with cuffs on all corners, charging points for electrical devices etc.

Guess which one she chose.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5413 Post by FD2 » Sun Jul 05, 2020 5:33 am

The Lone Ranger rides again! Do I look good in this mask? People say I look really good in a mask. In fact I look really handsome in a mask. Probably the most handsome man in the world in a mask. Tonto is the cleverest assistant in the world and he says I look really good like this.



The Real Lone Ranger....JPG
The Real Lone Ranger....JPG (94.54 KiB) Viewed 814 times
Hi ho Silver away!




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Re: Friday Jokes

#5414 Post by G-CPTN » Sun Jul 05, 2020 5:41 am

Lone Ranger - part of my childhood 'education'.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5415 Post by FD2 » Sun Jul 05, 2020 5:45 am

Likewise, better than Bronco Lane even!

Baddies always got a real pasting but they never bled - bred 'em tough in those days.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5416 Post by 1DC » Sun Jul 05, 2020 10:17 am

Saturday morning pictures, singing the ABC minors song, happy days. Hopalong Cassidy was the one for me, his films used to start with him riding over the top of a dam chased by the Indians. Silver (the horse) used to jump off the dam into the water and i was always amazed when the they surfaced and Hopalong still had his hat on!!

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5417 Post by FD2 » Sun Jul 05, 2020 11:36 am

A modern Lone Ranger. :-bd



ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5418 Post by ricardian » Sun Jul 05, 2020 1:53 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5419 Post by ricardian » Sun Jul 05, 2020 2:01 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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visitstronsay.com
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5420 Post by Magnus » Sun Jul 05, 2020 3:12 pm

Hopalong Cassidy's horse was Topper. Replaced King Nappy in 1939. Silver was the Lone Ranger's. For completeness, Trigger was Roy Roger's.

I watch a lot of old westerns on TCM.

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