Friday Jokes

[Pontius Navigator]

I'm 98% deaf in my right ear since birth.....I'm allowed to make deaf jokes!

Seriously for a moment, my hearing is poor and my hearing aids tend to work in the forward hemisphere so the joke is very true.

[EA01]

I tend to watch peoples mouths when talking as it can help confirm what I am hearing....not so much so with everyone wearing masks.

Funny thing with deafness.....if you are blind, people know dark glasses & a cane, broken arm?, in a cast etc etc,...no outward sign of being deaf... (Some people with really poor speech, 'cos they can't hear themselves though)

[ricardian]

In the old films deafness was always a subject for humour whereas blindness wasn't. Strange how we humans choose what's amusing

[TheGreenGoblin]

I'm 98% deaf in my right ear since birth.....I'm allowed to make deaf jokes!

What?

Sorry EA01... the devil may me do it!

[EA01]

...........

[Hydromet]

I tend to watch peoples mouths when talking as it can help confirm what I am hearing....not so much so with everyone wearing masks.

Funny thing with deafness.....if you are blind, people know dark glasses & a cane, broken arm?, in a cast etc etc,...no outward sign of being deaf... (Some people with really poor speech, 'cos they can't hear themselves though)

A good mate of mine has been blind since birth. Because he's blind, some people shout so he can hear them.
He grew up on a farm. His father made him and his twin brother (also blind) do anything other kids on a farm did, so hes quite handy with tools. At one of the woodwork shows a demonstrator who knew him gave him a circular saw to try out. It was funny watching the faces of the watchers who were trying to signal that he was blind, without actually shouting "He's blind!"

[llondel]

[ricardian]

Fugitive from the 1960s

[Woody]

Himalayan sea salt we just got says it was created 250 million years ago. Label says exp date is 2022. Guess they dug it up just in time!

[Woody]

[llondel]

Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a hospital. As always, he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.
Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said, "I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll?" "Good question", noted the ward manager, "we save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible." "Oh" he said somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his tour to the next ward. "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes", replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her, "we ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs". Hancock was determined to fluster the ward manager. So on they went to the next ward. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here too we do not like wasting", said the manager.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this exact time, they send us a complete prick".

[Woody]

[Woody]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft.
Both are wearing dark glasses.
One is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin.
But the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property.
Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit,
one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'

[Woody]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night the couple woke to find the mother gone.
In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband.
“The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.

[Hydromet]

I was in the army with a bloke named Mick Dewhirst. A WO asked him "How do you pronounce your surname?" When Mick told him, the WO replied "Well I Pronounce it De Whirst. De Whirst effing soldier in de whole effing army!"

[ricardian]

Bedtime reading

[FD2]

[Boac]

FD2 - do you have the story?

[Woody]

FD2 - do you have the story?

Mrs TGG finally cracks, as she finds he’s bought Tango 15’s book

[k3k3]

In their battles against the Germanic tribes the Romans used the tried and tested trebuchet as anti-aircraft artilliery.