Friday Jokes

[G-CPTN]

He's wearing a hat indoors!

[Opsboi]

He's wearing a hat indoors!

He lives in Northumbria during a fuel and cost of living crisis...

[bob2s]

Some of the songs popular in olden times are having their lyrics revised to be more appropriate for ageing baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba --- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

[ricardian]

Up-to-the-minute advert for Fairy Liquid

[llondel]

Up-to-the-minute advert for Fairy Liquid

My comment on that one is that it's getting to the point where one bar of chocolate can outlast three Tory chancellors.

[Ex-Ascot]

Up-to-the-minute advert for Fairy Liquid

My comment on that one is that it's getting to the point where one bar of chocolate can outlast three Tory chancellors.

Would that be dark chocolate?

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

[FD2]

[Woody]

Just occasionally Twitter is brilliant

[Ex-Ascot]

Emotional support.

[OFSO]

What, the hat?

[Ex-Ascot]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath,
but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to,
she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.. She was surprised to see that the lass
didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He
didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you
have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very
generously indeed..
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

[FD2]

[ricardian]

Ex-Ascot - a relative of your gardener?

[Ex-Ascot]

Ex-Ascot - a relative of your gardener?

Undoubtedly Ricardian.

[llondel]

When you teach a wolf to meditate, he become aware wolf.

[PHXPhlyer]

Donald Trump swore to tell the truth under oath!

Trump answers questions under oath in writer's defamation lawsuit
E. Jean Carroll says her reputation was damaged when Trump denied her allegation that he raped her in a Manhattan department store dressing room in the mid-1990s.

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald ... -rcna52919

Former President Donald Trump answered questions under oath Wednesday in a defamation lawsuit brought by a writer who alleges he raped her in the mid-1990s.

Roberta Kaplan, an attorney for E. Jean Carroll, who was a longtime columnist for Elle magazine, confirmed to NBC News that Trump was deposed on Wednesday. When asked how long the deposition lasted, Kaplan said that information was deemed confidential.

In a statement, Trump attorney Alina Habba said the former president "set the record straight" on Wednesday.

“As we have said all along, my client was pleased to set the record straight today. This case is nothing more than a political ploy like many others in the long list of witch hunts against Donald Trump,” Habba said.

Carroll sued Trump for defamation in 2019 after the then-president denied her allegation that he raped her in an upscale Manhattan department store’s dressing room. The lawsuit claims Trump ruined Carroll's reputation when he denied her accusation.

A judge ruled last week that the former president must sit for a deposition in the case, rejecting a request by Trump’s lawyers to delay the testimony. Trump’s lawyers had tried to quash the suit by arguing that he was acting in his capacity as president when he denied the rape allegations — an argument that aimed to make the U.S. government the defendant and reduce Carroll's chances of success given protections for federal employees who are sued for actions on the job.

U.S. District Judge Lewis A. Kaplan wrote that the lawsuit must proceed after being in legal limbo for three years, citing the “advanced age” of Carroll, 77, and Trump, 76, and potential witnesses.

“The defendant should not be permitted to run the clock out on plaintiff’s attempt to gain a remedy for what allegedly was a serious wrong,” Kaplan wrote.

Kaplan noted with disapproval a series of attempts by Trump to delay the collection of evidence in the defamation lawsuit.

“Given his conduct so far in this case, Mr. Trump’s position regarding the burdens of discovery is inexcusable,” he wrote. “As this Court previously has observed, Mr. Trump has litigated this case since it began in 2019 with the effect and probably the purpose of delaying it.”

Trump earlier took aim at Carroll in a post on his social media platform after the judge denied his request to delay the deposition.

“This ‘Ms. Bergdorf Goodman’ case is a complete con job,” Trump wrote.

Trump has repeatedly denied ever meeting Carroll, saying she was “totally lying” when she accused him of sexual assault.

“I’ll say it with great respect: Number one, she’s not my type. Number two, it never happened. It never happened, OK?” Trump told The Hill in 2019.

In a court filing last month, Carroll’s lawyers indicated she plans to sue Trump in November under a new New York statute that permits victims of sexual assault to sue years after an alleged incident.

pp

[ricardian]

One letter makes so much difference

[ricardian]

Why women tend to live longer than men

[ricardian]

That look...