Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

The Welsh invented the condom using the sheep's lower intestine. The English refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.

[Woody]

Has anyone been this brave

[ricardian]

Perfect mug!

[ricardian]

Pope Benedict shows-up at the Pearly Gates but there's nobody waiting for him.
"Where is everybody?", he asks St. Peter.
Peter responds: "They're all watching Barbara Walters interview Pele."

[PHXPhlyer]

As "Circle of Threes" (I just made that up) go, can anyone think of a more famous threesome who checked out close together?
Maybe some on the Titanic?

PP

[Hydromet]

Perfect mug!

I want one!

[llondel]

A man was admitted to hospital today with 25 plastic horses stuffed in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as "stable".

[llondel]

What made Quasimodo think he needed to see a back specialist?

Nothing. It was just a hunch.

[Wodrick]

[ricardian]

Q: My child refuses to eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish!

[ricardian]

Man 1: I think you have a deep-seated fear of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?
Man 2: I can't say I do.
Man 1: That's one of them.

[Woody]

I hold the record for best impression of a sheep with a deep voice.

To be fair, it’s a very low bar.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

I hold the record for running the world's only pub exclusively for dwarves.......

[ricardian]

First person: What's the difference between curtains and toilet paper?
Second person: I don't know.
First person: Ah, so it WAS you!

[ricardian]

Her: "Tell me something you've never told anyone else."
Him: whispering "I think that the owl people are already among us."
Her: "Who?"
Him: "Holy sh1t!"

[ricardian]

William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania, was one of philadelphia's most prominent citizens. He had two maiden aunts who owned a bakery that was known far and wide for its fruit pies, which were reputed to be the best anywhere.
After many years of success the two aunts had a serious falling out the details of which are unknown. They stopped speaking to one another altogether; one even moved across the street and opened her own bakery thus putting the two in competition. It wasn't very long before a price war ensued with each aunt lowering her prices to undercut the other. Eventually it got so ridiculous that they were selling their products below cost!
By this time the only topic of conversation in town was the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

[Rossian]

That last one is a star circumstantial story/joke Ric. I once met a bloke who had a wonderful fund of stories like that but they were all topical to that time and wouldn't translate to today. Sadly.

The Ancient Mariner

[OFSO]

#9416 Groan!

[ricardian]

Induction - the act of inserting ducks.
Deduction - the act of removing ducks.
Reduction - replacing a worn-out duck with a fresh duck.
Ductless - lack of ducks.
Ductor - vet specialising in ducks.,

[Woody]