Sadly the local sheep shearer died yesterday;
May He Rest in Fleece…
Friday Jokes
- Woody
- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 10245
- Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:33 pm
- Location: Sir Kenny Dalglish Stand
- Age: 59
Re: Friday Jokes
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Re: Friday Jokes
Is white paint racist?
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5947
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
The favourite colour of my gran (1895-1983) was "Nigger Brown"
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 2179
- Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2015 10:06 am
- Location: Retired guy from the UK East Coast
- Gender:
- Age: 83
Re: Friday Jokes
I remember being sent to the local wool shop in the early fifties for some nigger brown wool.
- Woody
- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 10245
- Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:33 pm
- Location: Sir Kenny Dalglish Stand
- Age: 59
Re: Friday Jokes
Any advice on combating loneliness.
Asking for a friend.
Asking for a friend.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5947
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
Non-alcoholic beer - it's like watching pornography on the radio.
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
Re: Friday Jokes
But the pictures on the radio are so much better.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5947
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
Yes, far superior scenery
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 14669
- Joined: Fri Jul 07, 2017 8:17 am
- Location: Gravity be the clue
- Gender:
- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
From an Amazon Review for Loctite by Mr GB
Not a replacement for keys
I purchased this product as I had lost the keys for my house and was due to go on holiday. I believed it would save me sorting out the locks and getting replacements before I went away. Much to my dismay it failed dreadfully. On the day of leaving on holiday I ensured that every lock in my house had drops of this poored in to secure the house. Off I went happy in the knowledge that my house was secure. Only return my house door was wide open. Surprised I entered to find all my belongings gone. I reported this to the police and they couldn't find any sign of forced entry and advised that really,I should have used keys to lock the house up. The insurance won't pay out as apparently "the house wasn't secured". Not happy!
Not a replacement for keys
I purchased this product as I had lost the keys for my house and was due to go on holiday. I believed it would save me sorting out the locks and getting replacements before I went away. Much to my dismay it failed dreadfully. On the day of leaving on holiday I ensured that every lock in my house had drops of this poored in to secure the house. Off I went happy in the knowledge that my house was secure. Only return my house door was wide open. Surprised I entered to find all my belongings gone. I reported this to the police and they couldn't find any sign of forced entry and advised that really,I should have used keys to lock the house up. The insurance won't pay out as apparently "the house wasn't secured". Not happy!
- Fox3WheresMyBanana
- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 12987
- Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2015 9:51 pm
- Location: Great White North
- Gender:
- Age: 61
Re: Friday Jokes
After a review, the Library has made the following changes:
Modern Politics can now be found under Entertainment: Clowns
The labels on Newspapers and Fiction: Conspiracy Theories have been swapped. The contents remain unchanged.
Fiction: Post-Apocalyptic can now be found under Current Affairs
Government Statistics has been moved from Reference to Fiction
Justice is now in History
Library Staff will be taking industrial action on Every Day except Feb 29th.
Advance Notice: The Library will be closed on Feb 29th, 2024 for stocktaking.
The helpline hold music has been changed to The Birdie Song
Modern Politics can now be found under Entertainment: Clowns
The labels on Newspapers and Fiction: Conspiracy Theories have been swapped. The contents remain unchanged.
Fiction: Post-Apocalyptic can now be found under Current Affairs
Government Statistics has been moved from Reference to Fiction
Justice is now in History
Library Staff will be taking industrial action on Every Day except Feb 29th.
Advance Notice: The Library will be closed on Feb 29th, 2024 for stocktaking.
The helpline hold music has been changed to The Birdie Song
- Woody
- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 10245
- Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:33 pm
- Location: Sir Kenny Dalglish Stand
- Age: 59
Re: Friday Jokes
When all else fails, read the instructions.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 2510
- Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2015 3:20 am
- Location: Back home, looking for a bad bottle of Red
- Gender:
- Age: 69
Re: Friday Jokes
Eh, sorri tumas Woody. Mi no savvi!
You only live twice. Once when you're born. Once when you've looked death in the face.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5947
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
Tom and Harry were walking along a street in London having had quite a lot to drink on this their first ever visit from their rural home to the capital. Tom peered into one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye - "Suits £5.00 each, shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair."
Tom said to his pal, "Harry, just look at those prices! We could buy a whole lot of them and when we get back home we could make a fortune."
They go in and Tom said, "Hello there, I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're not from round these parts are you?"
"Well no," said a surprised Tom. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
Tom said to his pal, "Harry, just look at those prices! We could buy a whole lot of them and when we get back home we could make a fortune."
They go in and Tom said, "Hello there, I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're not from round these parts are you?"
"Well no," said a surprised Tom. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
Re: Friday Jokes
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.
Only in maths problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, "What the Heck is wrong with you?"
When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".
I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your partner when dinner will be ready while they’re mowing the lawn
Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.
Only in maths problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, "What the Heck is wrong with you?"
When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".
I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your partner when dinner will be ready while they’re mowing the lawn
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 4746
- Joined: Thu Sep 10, 2015 5:47 am
- Location: The South Island, New Zealand
Re: Friday Jokes
Thanks for those, bob2sIf you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
And with the morn, those angel faces smile...
- Woody
- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 10245
- Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:33 pm
- Location: Sir Kenny Dalglish Stand
- Age: 59
Re: Friday Jokes
BREAKING NEWS!
A large storm has blown the roof off a French cheese factory...
There's de brie everywhere.
A large storm has blown the roof off a French cheese factory...
There's de brie everywhere.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5947
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
A police station got two new horses, and two cops were assigned to be mounted police officers.
They went on a ride and came back pleased.
“This horse is great! From now on I’ll always take this one,” said the first cop.
“My horse’s great too. So I’ll always take it too,” replied the second cop.
“But how do we know which is which?”
They thought about it for a minute or two, until one of them came up with an idea.
“Let’s shorten this one’s tail!”
The other cop agreed, and they gave the horse’s tail a thorough trimming.
The next morning, they found the police chief standing in front of the horses looking really mad.
The two officers asked him what was wrong.
“You two morons shortened this beautiful horse’s tail, that’s what’s wrong!”
“But otherwise, we couldn’t tell them apart,” one of the cops protested.
To which the chief angrily replied,
“Can’t you see the black one is a bit taller than the brown one?!”
They went on a ride and came back pleased.
“This horse is great! From now on I’ll always take this one,” said the first cop.
“My horse’s great too. So I’ll always take it too,” replied the second cop.
“But how do we know which is which?”
They thought about it for a minute or two, until one of them came up with an idea.
“Let’s shorten this one’s tail!”
The other cop agreed, and they gave the horse’s tail a thorough trimming.
The next morning, they found the police chief standing in front of the horses looking really mad.
The two officers asked him what was wrong.
“You two morons shortened this beautiful horse’s tail, that’s what’s wrong!”
“But otherwise, we couldn’t tell them apart,” one of the cops protested.
To which the chief angrily replied,
“Can’t you see the black one is a bit taller than the brown one?!”
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER