Friday Jokes

[jimtherev]

I promise that this is not auto-biographic.

Now this parson moves to a church in a new town, and in due course is invited to the local fraternal. (God-botherers' natter-group, which sometimes actually discuss churchy things.)
When he arrived, the host introduces him, and said "Now, brother, we don't actually have a speaker today, because - not being Catholic apart from Father Liam over there - we don't actually have a rite of confession, so we share with each other the things in our lives we are a bit ashamed of, and we can all then pray for forgiveness"
Our hero thinks about it, and thinks it's really a nice idea, so they start.

The first vicar begins: "Well, as you know, I live in Station Road, and just now, in the early Summer, I enjoy sitting in the front window of my study watching all the young ladies going for their train in their frilly blouses and skimpy skirts. Really gives me a lift."

Next guy: (a Methodist minister, as it happens) "Well, I live in Railway Terrace, and on Mondays when it's beginning to get dark I get on the train and go two stops down the line to a pub where they keep their Timothy Taylor just right. And I have a few. And I often don't remember catching the last train home. But nobody knows me down there, and nobody sees me up here, so that's all right..."

And so on round the room, until the only person who hasn't confessed anything is our friend the newbie.
"Well, brother," says the host, "don't you have anything to confess?"
And our hero clears his throat and hums and haws for a bit, and then says, "Well, there is one little thing...

"You see...

"I'm a terrible gossip."

[Pontius Navigator]

[ricardian]

Dropping a hint or two!

[ricardian]

Wow!

[bob2s]

The dentist pulls out a needle to give the man a shot,"No way! no needles shouts the man". "Ok look like it's the gas then says the dentist","No way! masks
make me feel like I'm suffocating" says the man.The dentist takes a step back and asks the man if has any objection to taking a pill,'"I have no objection to
taking a pill''says the man, good says the dentist,"so here take this Viagra".The patient says "Man I did not know Viagra was also good for numbing pain" to
which the dentist answered "It dosen't but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull that tooth".

[Hydromet]

Another bloke goes to the dentist and is offered an injection but declines. The dentist tries to convince him that it will be a painful procedure without anaesthetic, but the men declines, saying he's only felt pain twice in his life.
As the dentist proceeds, he see' that the bloke doesn't flinch and shows no sign of discomfort, so out of curiosity he asks when the man felt pain.
Well''," ssys the bloke,"the first time, I was in the bush and needed to take a crap, so I found a quiet spot, squatted down and let go. Unfortunately, I didn't notice that I was immediately above a rabbit trap that went off and caught my family jewels. That really was painful."
The dentists says he can understand that, and asks when was the second time.
"When I hit the end of the chain." says the bloke.

[EA01]

Went to the Doctor to get some sleeping pills, he handed me 2 scripts one for Stillnox (Ambien), one for Viagra. He told me one would make me sleep, the other to stop me rolling out of bed...

[ricardian]

History repeats itself

[ricardian]

Innocent comment

[ricardian]

Always tell the truth

[ricardian]

Beware!

[ricardian]

Testing time

[OFSO]

[ricardian]

Not really a joke!

[ricardian]

Side effect of COP 26

[FD2]

[FD2]

[ricardian]

Amazing! This really works

[ricardian]

How true

[ricardian]

An extract from the latest edition of JSP101 (or AP3184 for those of us of a certain age)