Friday Jokes

[Ex-Ascot]

Diving off the Cornish coast years back, swimming back to the boat I saw a large fin behind me. I got into the boat weight belt and tank still attached. It was only a basking one but I wasn't into asking questions at the time.

[Boac]

https://www.airlive.net/a-welcome-to-pe ... y-airport/

[Opsboi]

https://www.airlive.net/a-welcome-to-pe ... y-airport/

Should have posted that in the Capetonian WOE thread!

[Boac]

Yes - that would have been a good idea!

[ricardian]

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!" he said, "Have you tried using a mouthwash?"

[Woody]

TGG will appreciate this one

[ricardian]

For dog owners

[ricardian]

Could be nasty!

[Woody]

[Woody]

Apologies for aviation content

[EA01]

More Covid advice

[ricardian]

Simple question, simple answer
(Apologies for aviation content)

[Alisoncc]

One of my mates has spare two tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Braintree Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook….

[ricardian]

Ancient

[llondel]

For dog owners

We stayed at a Motel 6 (cheap, low-end but dog friendly) and the toilet had a seat but no lid. This was mentioned in the Yelp review that it would be better to have lids to prevent dogs from drinking from the bowl, and next time we stayed at that place there were indeed lids.

[Opsboi]

[Boac]

Well, he got what he asked for....... https://www.msn.com/en-gb/lifestyle/oth ... np1taskbar

[FD2]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.



Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank"

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[FD2]

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[Pontius Navigator]

Well,
#1, very funny, but I don't think I get it.
#2, funny, but I don't quite get it. I get the 666.
#3, not really funny as it's true and I get it.