Friday Jokes

[Opsboi]

On a purely personal basis, I prefer it when someone actually posts a joke, however old and recycled

Not a fan of links

[ricardian]

On a purely personal basis, I prefer it when someone actually posts a joke, however old and recycled
Not a fan of links

Alas, most jokes are images that are too large and thus have to be links

[Ex-Ascot]

On a purely personal basis, I prefer it when someone actually posts a joke, however old and recycled
Not a fan of links

Alas, most jokes are images that are too large and thus have to be links

With very slow satellite Internet, links are preferable. For some reason, perhaps someone could explain, cartoons on links appear about four times faster than on the thread page.

Not bad this morning at 670 kbps.

-

[Capetonian]

When Insults Had Class... These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr (NY Times Drama Critic)

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Talking of speed, finally we have fibre :

[Hydromet]

Pleased to see that Paul Keating was included to represent the later 20th century.

[ian16th]

With very slow satellite Internet, links are preferable. For some reason, perhaps someone could explain, cartoons on links appear about four times faster than on the thread page.

Not bad this morning at 670 kbps.

-

Is it because anything in the thread page is downloaded from Alison's server in Aus, whilst anything from the link is downloaded from wherever it is.

Probably closer and on a faster server and routed via faster fibre cable?

[ricardian]

The Seven Dwarfs have been told that as from Monday they can meet in groups of six - one of them isn't Happy

[CharlieOneSix]

[Ex-Ascot]

With very slow satellite Internet, links are preferable. For some reason, perhaps someone could explain, cartoons on links appear about four times faster than on the thread page.

Not bad this morning at 670 kbps.

-

Is it because anything in the thread page is downloaded from Alison's server in Aus, whilst anything from the link is downloaded from wherever it is.

Probably closer and on a faster server and routed via faster fibre cable?

Thank you Ian, copied. So, one prefers links.

[ricardian]

First aid for beginners

[Undried Plum]

[ricardian]

How true!

[ricardian]

Handy gadget for use in social distancing

[ricardian]

A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says…
“Hey mate, don’t kill me, I’m only a baby, I haven’t swum the 7 seas yet, give me a chance pal.”
The man looks at the salmon. “You can talk?”
“Course I can, go on put me back, there’s much bigger fish under the bridge.”
“All right.” Says the man,”I’ll put you back, what’s your name?”
“Rusty.” Says the salmon. “And yours?”
“Dave?”
He puts the fish back in the water and resolves to say nothing of this to anyone, fearing that he’ll become a laughing stock.
About ten years later he’s fishing in the same spot and he hooks a monster. It takes him two hours to land it. He looks at it and pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye and looks at him and says.
“Dave, is that you?”
“Rusty, I don’t believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what you been doing?”
“Well Dave, I’ve had a fantastic time, I’ve swum the seven seas and all the oceans. In fact, I’ve just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed.”
“Why’s that Rusty?”
“Well, I was halfway across and a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper and deeper and I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave.”
“Wow rusty, that was the Titanic it sank and almost all on board were drowned.”
“Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down and write a poem about it.” Said Rusty.
“A poem, don’t talk daft, you’re just a fish, how can you write a poem, that’s rubbish.”
“No Dave, really, it’s available in all bookshops now.”
“OK”, Says Dave “So what’s it called then?”
“Salmon Rusty’s titanic verses.”

[Stoneboat]

^^^^^

[FD2]

[ricardian]

Another casualty of lockdown

[llondel]

Instead of this 6ft nonsense, if they'd said "keep 12 penises apart", most men would be maintaining a healthy 12ft distance.

The trouble is that the women would probably only be 3-4ft apart.

[Archer]

[ricardian]

Just believe!