Friday Jokes

[PHXPhlyer]

Shouldn't you get a full set of chairs?

PP

[Magnus]

If the doctors can't save his leg, will he be known as Tiger Wooden?

[ricardian]

A man walks into a pub which is next to a hospital. He asks for a double whisky which he downs in one, saying "I shouldn't be here with what I've got."
The barman asked "Why, what have you got?"
The man replied "50p."

[ricardian]

Yet another money-saving hint from a reader of Viz

[ian16th]

Yet another money-saving hint from a reader of Viz

Shades of:

[Ex-Ascot]

Proving yet again that there are people with far more money than sense

Wasn't Ms York a FlLt?

Sorry nope, 'Section Officer' equivalent to Fg Off. I would have promoted her though.

[Pontius Navigator]

Besides which, would you want to sit on her lap?

[ricardian]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoeshiner gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the Executive Director, "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The Director asks in turn arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
"I have a million dollars in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What is your name? " asks the Director.
"John Q Smith."
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department, "Do we have a client named John Q Smith?"
"Certainly,“ answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account."
The Director comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you."
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members, "We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine at the corner stand, but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.
Mr. Smith began his story:
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars."

[ricardian]

Parenting skills

[Woody]

[ricardian]

Let's hope it isn't a case of nominative determinism

[ricardian]

Definitely not Candid Camera

[ricardian]

Handy hint #78

[Woody]

[Undried Plum]

[ricardian]

Canine jest

[llondel]

Canine jest

A lot of dogs wouldn't really understand that, given that they've been to the vet.

[FD2]

[FD2]

wrong emoji.jpg (29.65 KiB) Viewed 368 times

[ricardian]

Political Correctness explained