Friday Jokes

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Fox3WheresMyBanana
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1841 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Tue Oct 16, 2018 11:58 pm

And presumably on his return...
'Arsenal now complete: Dicks'

or possibly

'Arsenal to play with Dicks this Saturday'

'Arsenal looking forward to Dicks sliding back in'

'Dicks still stiff: ready for action'

'Fans eager for more Dicks'

'Rumours of Dicks training with Ladies' team denied: "Arsenal Ladies have never played with Dicks" said a spokeswoman.

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Woody
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1842 Post by Woody » Wed Oct 17, 2018 7:01 am

ricardian wrote:
Tue Oct 16, 2018 11:45 pm
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That’s Liam Brady :((
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1843 Post by ricardian » Wed Oct 17, 2018 12:30 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#1844 Post by ricardian » Wed Oct 17, 2018 11:19 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1845 Post by ricardian » Thu Oct 18, 2018 9:44 am

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1846 Post by OFSO » Thu Oct 18, 2018 5:41 pm

Teacher stands in front of class. "Now boys and girls, today we have a class in composition and I want you to use your imagination. I am going to start off by saying a line, and I want anyone who can add the next line to raise their hands. Ready ? Here's your first line...

A Grecian Goddess on a Hunt........"

Nobody raises a hand except Little Johnny. Oh no, thinks the teacher, not Little Johnny. Desperately she looks around. No other hand is raised.

"Yes Johnny" she finally says, "do you have the next line for us ?"

Little Johnny stands up with a smirk on his face.

A Grecian Goddess on a Hunt
Was ringed by dogs which sniffed her......"

Pause. Teacher plunges her face in her hands, fearing the worst.

"Please Miss, is this poetry or prose ?"

Teacher sees an escape, so says to Little Johnny "you can finish it in prose, dear."

Little Johnny starts anew.

"A Grecian Goddess on a Hunt
Was ringed by dogs which sniffed her twat."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#1847 Post by ricardian » Thu Oct 18, 2018 6:20 pm

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1848 Post by Slasher » Thu Oct 18, 2018 6:33 pm

85439c16-1388-4a7a-9f42-13150d5e748c.jpg
85439c16-1388-4a7a-9f42-13150d5e748c.jpg (97.21 KiB) Viewed 674 times

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Re: Friday Jokes

#1849 Post by ricardian » Fri Oct 19, 2018 12:47 pm

What is it with all this talk about bullying in schools now? It’s nothing new. When I was at school, all the other kids in my class bullied me every day, and even voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."
The joke is on them, they got that wrong! It turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious, unexplained accident.”
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1850 Post by llondel » Fri Oct 19, 2018 3:45 pm

There was a young man
From Cork who got limericks
And haikus confused

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Re: Friday Jokes

#1851 Post by Slasher » Fri Oct 19, 2018 6:36 pm

IMG_9688.JPG
IMG_9688.JPG (114.96 KiB) Viewed 580 times

ribrash

Re: Friday Jokes

#1852 Post by ribrash » Fri Oct 19, 2018 8:14 pm

Image

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Re: Friday Jokes

#1853 Post by ricardian » Sat Oct 20, 2018 9:24 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1854 Post by OFSO » Sat Oct 20, 2018 5:47 pm

Coming sooner than expected in a cinema near you: "Harry Potter and the Premature Ejaculation.'

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Re: Friday Jokes

#1855 Post by ricardian » Sat Oct 20, 2018 9:34 pm

If you're ever at Walmart and have to fart just go to the tooth brush aisle, you'll be all by yourself.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1856 Post by Undried Plum » Sun Oct 21, 2018 3:24 am

One for Ribrash


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Re: Friday Jokes

#1857 Post by ribrash » Sun Oct 21, 2018 8:38 am

Undried Plum wrote:
Sun Oct 21, 2018 3:24 am
One for Ribrash

A classic. :-bd

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Re: Friday Jokes

#1858 Post by ricardian » Sun Oct 21, 2018 10:58 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#1859 Post by ricardian » Sun Oct 21, 2018 11:55 pm

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#1860 Post by Woody » Mon Oct 22, 2018 7:25 am

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