Friday Jokes

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Stoneboat
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2601 Post by Stoneboat » Thu Apr 11, 2019 1:14 pm

Sise consider that one stolen. =))

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2602 Post by ricardian » Thu Apr 11, 2019 1:52 pm

These Americans think of everything!

But I don't know how this system manages to pull up the chap's trousers before ejecting him
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2603 Post by Sisemen » Thu Apr 11, 2019 2:14 pm

60D72D54-3A33-4F14-AECB-CC616B5B6932.jpeg

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2604 Post by ricardian » Thu Apr 11, 2019 8:15 pm

A man walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least several thousand pounds in it. He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well, you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You’ve got to pay first," says the barman, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the barman, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a bottle of tequila and then do all those other hings!"
"Your call," says the barman, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "OK, where's that damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. Gasping for breath he drunkenly says, "Now, where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2605 Post by OFSO » Thu Apr 11, 2019 8:57 pm

Not a joke, but the passing-out test for a French cavalryman was to be given two bottles of champagne, two whores and a horse to ride 40 miles to Paris and back. He had to complete the course "in all respects" within 24 hours. The order in which he took the items was up to the individual.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2606 Post by Slasher » Fri Apr 12, 2019 1:39 am

Sisemen wrote:
Thu Apr 11, 2019 2:14 pm
60D72D54-3A33-4F14-AECB-CC616B5B6932.jpeg
+1. Even with VPN. 🙄

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2607 Post by Slasher » Fri Apr 12, 2019 5:17 am

56431466-096f-4737-8bc3-bc1b41eb4f46.jpg
.

.

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eef730e2-ccf3-4eae-8f96-035b5edf61e5.jpg (45.95 KiB) Viewed 798 times

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2608 Post by ricardian » Fri Apr 12, 2019 3:06 pm

In an emotional interview, Thomas The Tank Engine has admitted that he has a ‘devastating’ crystal meth habit that is spiralling out of control.

Image
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2609 Post by ricardian » Sat Apr 13, 2019 10:59 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2610 Post by ricardian » Sat Apr 13, 2019 3:49 pm

Apparently when you donate blood it has to be your blood
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2611 Post by Stoneboat » Sat Apr 13, 2019 8:42 pm

ricardian wrote:
Sat Apr 13, 2019 3:49 pm
Apparently when you donate blood it has to be your blood
And when you get a blood transfusion, that blood has already been in somebody else's erection.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2612 Post by OFSO » Sat Apr 13, 2019 8:46 pm

Does it confer special powers ?

Slasher

Re: Friday Jokes

#2613 Post by Slasher » Sat Apr 13, 2019 10:52 pm

I don't watch local TV ads back home. Here's why!



ribrash

Re: Friday Jokes

#2614 Post by ribrash » Sun Apr 14, 2019 10:06 am

I finally snapped after years of my wife teasing me about my colour blindness.

I beat her grey and dark grey.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2615 Post by Woody » Sun Apr 14, 2019 1:13 pm

Image
When all else fails, read the instructions.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2616 Post by Sisemen » Sun Apr 14, 2019 3:14 pm

“There were four skunks: daddy skunk, mummy skunk, a sister skunk called Alice and a little baby skunk called Inn.
One day Inn the baby skunk wandered off, and despite searching for hours, daddy skunk and mummy skunk couldn't find him. So seeing their plight, sister skunk said "I can find him", went out, and within 15 minutes was back with little baby skunk in tow.
Mummy skunk hugged her baby and said to Alice skunk, "how on earth did you find him ?" to which Alice replied: "easy - instinct."

Having had a spot of finger trouble just thought I’d remind everyone of the very first joke on this thread. Don’t give up the day job OFSO :D

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2617 Post by OFSO » Sun Apr 14, 2019 6:14 pm

That joke originated at Leicester Rag Day in 1955. At least, it was the first time I heard it.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2618 Post by Woody » Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:52 am

Especially for Capetonian :D

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2619 Post by Boac » Mon Apr 15, 2019 2:42 pm

Aka a Turd Stool?

Sisemen

Re: Friday Jokes

#2620 Post by Sisemen » Mon Apr 15, 2019 3:02 pm

C007EE7E-61FE-4664-9D78-1F4FCB3E3BE6.jpeg

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