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Last night I went and watched a theatrical performance about puns. It was just a play on words.

Rindercella, The Dyslexic Princess.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard, frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered.

The sugly isters were bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swallocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had featy sweet.

The sugly isters tad hickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking FANG! and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight, otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "For suck's fake!" yelled Rindercella as she ran out, tripping barse over allocks and dropping her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and cut a fig bart. "Who fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown cloud lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swallows was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. They mere warried and haved lippily ever after.

Cotton runts
Fugly ucker
Forrible huckers

Nicked!

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four."
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought. That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

Little-known fact #355:
Slugs are divorced snails whose ex got the house.

You're a cunny funt Ric even though that pic has been posted before.

Had that happen to me at the other end of the elephant - it sneezed all over me. The handler called it an "elephant blessing". I didn't.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
"Hmm", I thought, "The streets are strangely desserted tonight."

ricardian wrote: ↑

Sun Jul 14, 2019 11:57 am

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four."
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought. That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

my father told me that over 60 years ago. Is that the oldest joke here?

ricardian wrote: ↑

Mon Jul 15, 2019 3:26 pm

Consider that one stolen.

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the next request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"