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There's a fine line between resign and re-sign.

Another one.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs because they are Inca hoots.

Another one.

To stay out of hot water when brewing a pun it is best to use subtle tea.

I didn't believe a guy I met who said he was an 80's pop star but he was adamant.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was…
It was a complete guess, but I was right.

Last night on Scottish TV there was a programme about prostate cancer. On the panel there was a female GP, a chap from a prostate cancer charity and Fred MacAulay, a Scottish stand up comedian with a close family history of prostate cancer. The GP said that 1, if a man had symptoms he should 2, go to his GP and 3, a digital rectal examination would take place - what she called a three pronged attack. Fred MacAulay thought that a three pronged attack was perhaps not an expression to be used in the same sentence as a digital rectal examination....

Fred used to have a family quiz on his morning show. One day the Boyle family were taking part and he introduced them as Mr and Mrs Boyle and the wee plooks.

EDIT: Admin2 'Plook' is a word for a spot or pimple in Scotland - might help..............

A mother brought her daughter in to see the paediatrician at a South London hospital.
The paediatrician says to the little girl, “Hello, what’s your name?”
The little girl replies, “Wivanee”.
“My word, that’s an unusual name.” says the paediatrician.
Turning to the mother she asks “How did you pick that name?”
The mother replies “Well, when she was born, we couldn’t agree on a name. Then the nurse came to the lady in the next bed and asked her what she was calling her baby and she said, ‘Anne Wivanee’. We didn’t like the name Ann but we thought Wivanee was unusual, so that’s what we called her.”

A little comedic ditty on the same theme.
Anne of Green Gables ...dances on tables
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWZ-vUe3EAY

A poll was carried out in order to discover what kind of legs men liked on women:
9 percent said that they liked fat legs,
3 percent said that they like thin legs,
88 percent said that they preferred something inbetween.

FD2 wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 25, 2023 5:01 am

Fred used to have a family quiz on his morning show. One day the Boyle family were taking part and he introduced them as Mr and Mrs Boyle and the wee plooks.

EDIT: Admin2 'Plook' is a word for a spot or pimple in Scotland - might help..............

There's always my old chum Mr Google for those who didn't know, but thanks for explaining it anyway.

I had to see my GP last week due to unsightly and rather embarrassing blood in my stool.
After a thorough he gave me suppositories and told me to put them up my back passage every night before bed.
Living in a 2nd floor flat, I don't have a back passage so I hung them up in the small entrance hall to my flat.
They've made bugger all difference so I rang my GP to complain, I told him for all the use they've been, I may as well have shoved them up my arse.

(I never did understand gerunds & gerundives even though I passed "O" level English Language in 1959!)

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intents and purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur
walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Just a little update on the situation with my brother because some of you have been pretty concerned. Thank you for that.
He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him.
He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes.
As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again

Seriously, there's an even worse game for destroying relationships: triangular dominoes. Never heard such bad language in our living room.