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The large pane of glass fell out of my front window & smashed so I called a glazier & he replaced it. Two days later the glass fell out again so I called the glazier back. While he was replacing the glass again I asked him why my glass keeps falling out he said “its quite common around here, it’s down to an animal going round eating the linseed oil in the bonding that holds the glass in place”.
I said “An animal? What kind of animal?”
He said “It's a cat, a putty cat.”

OFSO wrote: ↑

Mon Mar 27, 2023 7:45 pm

Seriously, there's an even worse game for destroying relationships: triangular dominoes. Never heard such bad language in our living room.

The worst language I've ever heard from"ladies" is when Mrs Hydro's mah jhong ladies meet here.

A man takes his place in the theatre but is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I will give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a 50p piece.
The usher looks at the coin, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it!"

There’s an awful lot of immature people on Twitter tonight

[*]

Well I’ve started now

Hydromet wrote: ↑

Thu Mar 30, 2023 9:03 am

338315499_948545966501695_2598861081837784445_n.jpg

PP

Subject: Theoretically
A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father "Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son...go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically, we're sitting on three million quid but realistically, we're living with two tarts and a poof."

Still trending



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Today marks six months without drinking a drop of alcohol of any kind! Six months of eating seven fruit and vegetables a day, drinking 10 glasses of water, no carbs and no red meat, 8 hours of sleep a night. The change in my body has been fantastic! I feel great, I lost weight and my way of thinking is very positive! I'm looking to keep this up until I die. No alcohol, eat only healthy foods, getting lots of sleep and above all, an hour of exercise every day!
I don't know whose status this is, but I was so happy for them that I copied and pasted it!!

One of my neighbours has several cats. On a recent visit she introduced them to me, "That's Astrophe, that's Erpillar, that's Aract and that's Alogue."
"Where on earth did you get such strange names?" I asked.
"Oh, those are their last names," she explained. "Their first names are Cat."

At the boss's funeral, a disgruntled employee knelt next to the coffin and whispered "Who's thinking OUTSIDE the box now, Gary?"

BREAKING NEWS: ELON MUSK PURCHASING A MAJORITY STAKE IN AMERICAN AIRLINES

https://www.airlinereporter.com/2023/04 ... -airlines/

Elon Musk announced he will purchase a 51% stake in American Airlines. This continues his recent pattern of acquiring companies that play central roles in American society and infrastructure.

He announced the news on Twitter and in a press conference. When asked about his interest in American Airlines, Musk stated “I realized that I simply enjoy buying companies with birds on their logos. And when I have such an obscene amount of money why should I try to fight those urges?”

Elon Musk making his announcement
Later in the press conference Mr. Musk outlined a series of major changes he plans for the airline’s operations. Effective immediately, American will accept dogecoin for ticket purchases, and in coming years will transition to a completely blockchain-based payment system. The airline will start charging flyers a nominal fee of $10 for passengers to display their TSA PreCheck status on their boarding passes.

Major changes are in store for American’s workforce as well. All employees, including pilots and flight attendants, will be required to work in-office at corporate headquarters. This may prove challenging for the airline’s pilots and flight attendants, who are accustomed to working on aircraft, but Mr. Musk expects them to rise to the challenge. In line with his views about free speech, Mr. Musk wants the Twitter handle @AmericanAir to take controversial political stances and to share conspiracy theories. To maximize profits, Mr. Musk plans to lay off around a third of the airline’s workers. However analysts expect that move to be followed by frantic attempts to rehire most of the furloughed employees shortly thereafter.

Some industry experts also expressed excitement that Mr. Musk’s family of companies could offer multimodal transport itineraries. For example, passengers could hire a Tesla-operated rideshare to the airport, fly an American Airlines flight, then connect to a SpaceX moon rocket that may or may not explode on landing. Said SpaceX employee April Phules, “after experiencing the inside of a Falcon 9 rocket, I think American Airlines passengers will be a little more forgiving about the airline’s economy class legroom.”

While some passengers seem worried about the impact Musk’s takeover will have on the airline, others approved of the move. “As a proud owner of three Teslas I enjoy feeling better than other people,” said Bay Area resident Hugh Jassol. “I look forward to experiencing that same sense of superiority when flying American Airlines too.”

American’s MD-80s are likely glad they retired before all this went down
American Airlines shareholders readied themselves for extreme volatility in the airline’s stock price in the weeks ahead. When asked for comment, SEC Chair Gary Gensler simply burst into tears.

Note from the editor: This story is not real. Elon if you are reading this PLEASE DO NOT ACTUALLY BUY AMERICAN AIRLINES.

PP

Oh my God, I'm rich!
Silver in the hair,
Gold in the teeth,
Crystals in the kidney,
Sugar in the blood,
Lead in the butt,
Iron in the arteries,
and an inexhaustible
supply of natural gas.
I never thought I would ever accumulate such wealth.

Next.

And another one.