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Approximately 43 microseconds after the Google AI manages to translate Geordie, the planet will be annihilated in a nuclear holocaust, as foretold in 'Terminator 2'.
Fortunately, that's probably a good million years in the future ... pet

A rich man driving a Mercedes stopped and picked up a hitchhiker, after a bit of small talk the hitchhiker asked what was the 3-point star on the bonnet for,
the driver said that he hated bike riders and that was his sight to line up bike riders before he knocked them off their bike. The driver said that if they saw
a bike rider he would show him, about a minute later the hitchhiker spotted a bike ahead and asked the driver to show him how the sight worked.The driver sensing the hitchhiker was a bit dumb, lined up the rider in the emblem, and just as he was about to hit the rider he swerved around the rider, this
was accompanied by a loud bang, "what the hell was that asked the driver" to which the hitchhiker said, "if had not opened the door you would have missed the bastard"

I was half way through typing that I didn't understand it then got it.

Fox3WheresMyBanana wrote: ↑

Sat May 13, 2023 7:33 pm

Approximately 43 microseconds after the Google AI manages to translate Geordie, the planet will be annihilated in a nuclear holocaust, as foretold in 'Terminator 2'.
Fortunately, that's probably a good million years in the future ... pet

...which reminded me of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbDnxzrbxn4

^Never gets old.

PHXPhlyer wrote: ↑

Sat May 13, 2023 6:41 pm

ricardian wrote: ↑

Sat May 13, 2023 9:33 am

Comment from an American visitor in the UK:

Good grief, they eat panda sausages in London! I was in a butcher's shop in south London and the lady in front of me bought two.

?
PP

It's the way I tell 'em!
two panda sausages = two pahndsa sausages = two pounds of sausages

My friend was writing a condolence card when her 5 yr old son asked what she was doing.
"I'm writing a not to say how sorry I am that my friend's mother died." she replied.
Her son paused for a moment then asked, very tentatively, "That's just to be kind, right? You're not the one who did it?"

My mate and his new girlfriend were travelling to meet his parents when she got a flat tyre.
He called his parents and said "Sorry mum, we're going to be late because my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh dear!", sighed his mother, "I thought you had a real one this time."

I've just finished reading a book about the world's greatest basement.

It was a best cellar.

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

What's really needed is an "Audio Emoji".
Rim shot
Sad trombone
ETC

The above gets my vote for a rim shot!

PP

A Hindu, a Jew and Frenchman are travelling late at night and in pouring rain seek accommodation at the only village inn. The landlord says the inn is fully booked but if they like, they can sleep in the barn out the back. The Hindu says "wait in here I'll go and see what it's like.. " A minute later, a knock on the door, the Hindu appears and says "I can't possibly sleep in the barn, there's a cow in there, sacred to my religion". Having no objection to cows, the Jew disappears next to try the barn. A minute later, a knock on the door. " I can't possibly sleep in there, there's a pig, abhorrent to my religion". "Zut alors" says the Frenchman, "I have no problem wiv ze smelly animals" and off he goes.
A minute later, there's a knock on the door. There stand the cow and the pig....

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?" responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"

Roses are red,
roses are blue,
depending on their velocity
relative to you.

Ricardian, that is brilliant.

+1 !
Will steal that for use if I ever teach any more physics

Close to Guy Gibson's house is the home of Britain's first ever dental hygienist. A plaque was removed in her honour.