Ops-Normal.org

There are rumours of a new series with Cleese and his daughter - not sure how well that will work:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-64563839

We have had an unexpected shortage of eggs around where I live

Would that make them lesbihens?

PP

That's no yoke!

If it was, 'twas a pretty fowl one.

Well, you're the eggspurt messenger on things with wings

Misheard a long time ago in the Middle East "Remember to remove the skins from your peanuts!"

People who suffer from multiple personality syndrome should be obliged to donate at least one of them to someone who doesn't have one.

Teacher: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4 yr old: ??
Teacher: You've put your shoes on the wrong feet!
4 yr old: But I don't have any other feet.

No it is not me.

Should this go on here or elsewhere?

Why is nobody ever the right amount of whelmed?

So,there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of upset because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Any way, this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're green."
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.
He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."
To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that. The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of those enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.
He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown."
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.
He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!
She says, "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."

We need a rimshot emoji with sound!

PP

Thanks.
Halfway there.

PP

An old one but still funny.

My parents had a record of Gerard Hoffnung reciting the same tale (and others) at the Oxford Union in 1958. It's about twice as long.
I listened to it many times to improve my public speaking - especially pace, timing of pauses, and change of tone.



He manages to get about 3 laughs for every joke - two anticipatory and one when he actually delivers the line.