Royal Bank of Wankers

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Royal Bank of Wankers

#1 Post by OFSO » Tue May 01, 2018 2:49 pm

There have been many discussions on these pages and also at TOP on the stupidity of UK banks. For example, requesting the same information over and over again, which they already have, and not responding to customers writing back pointing this out - which makes one think they never read replies from customers. Or sending out a letter to someone's UK address, and the letter starts off with a paragraph, requesting fiscal information, that states blithely that "....from the address at the head of this letter, we have determined that you live in France and we need your French tax ID number for the French authorities...." (both actual examples).

In a recent talk with someone who knows, I asked whether the employees of the bank ever read the letters their bank sends out, and was told that far from never being read, these letters from banks are not even touched by human hands until the postman puts them through the letter box. A list of customers is prepared by staff, and the ubiquitous computer churns out letters which are machine-folded, machine-enveloped and posted to these people. The list is amended on a periodic basis (i.e. when bank staff feel like it) and customers who have made acceptable responses are deleted from the list. "Acceptable responses" do not include scrawling "ARE YOU ALL BLOODY FOOLS WHO NEVER READ THE LETTERS YOU SEND OUT ?" or "YOU WITLESS F*CKERS WHY ARE YOU ASKING FOR THE SAME INFORMATION WHICH I HAVE SENT YOU FIVE TIMES ALREADY ?" across the top of the letter and sending it back (both, once again actual examples). In the case of one bank, which has a 'Head Office' in London and a 'HEAD OFFICE' in Edinburgh, in Basingstoke and the Isle of Man and a few other places - a "Tax Compliance Office" here, and a "Customer Services Office" there - and a "Complaints" Office somewhere else - the computer systems are located Somewhere Else and never visited by staff from the other sections, sub-sub-sections, and so on ad inf. And the staff working there are unaware that the bloody computer has sent you and me a letter..... and so, when the likes of you and me write back, the likelihood of this resulting in your name being removed from 'the computers' list is miniscule.

It all becomes clear, doesn't it. What is not so clear is today's announcement that over 160 local branches of the RBS in the UK are to be closed, because what SHOULD happen is that it is the staff in all of these distributed centres who should be given the boot. Or perhaps told that no letter sent to a customer should ever leave the premises without being read by a human being. Oh, and it would be nice if at least some of the answers from customers were also read and acted upon.

Vain hopes, alas.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#2 Post by Rwy in Sight » Tue May 01, 2018 3:47 pm

One would make a best seller if they compile the most absurd exchange between a bank and reality.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#3 Post by limeygal » Tue May 01, 2018 3:57 pm

When I lived in Bahrain, I had an account with the British Bank of the Middle East. I asked for a new cheque book, which duly arrived. The only problem was, it wasn't for my account. It was a Bahraini chappie's. I went in to see them, explained what had happened, and offered up the cheque book. The cashier looked surprised and asked me "you can't use that one?" I replied that it depended on whether or not he had more money in his account that I did. She was not amused, and reluctantly told me they would send me a new one. You can't make it up.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#4 Post by ian16th » Tue May 01, 2018 4:10 pm

limeygal wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 3:57 pm
When I lived in Bahrain, I had an account with the British Bank of the Middle East. I asked for a new cheque book, which duly arrived. The only problem was, it wasn't for my account. It was a Bahraini chappie's. I went in to see them, explained what had happened, and offered up the cheque book. The cashier looked surprised and asked me "you can't use that one?" I replied that it depended on whether or not he had more money in his account that I did. She was not amused, and reluctantly told me they would send me a new one. You can't make it up.
Here in SA we do not have jount accounts. So we have signing powers on the accounts of others!

SM was using a chequebook from a guy with the same surname, but different initials until the 4th cheque!
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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#5 Post by ExSp33db1rd » Wed May 02, 2018 12:26 am

One of my RAF colleagues from the mid 50's, Best Mate, Bestman etc. became some Poobah in Barclays, and although I wasn't a customer sent me one of the then, new Barclaycards when they were introduced - early 60's ? - so I have been a Barclaycard holder for over 50 years, although admittedly not a great user, present day credit / debit cards from the banks I use becoming the norm. but I have kept it going for when I travel abroad, just as a back-up mainly.

Barclaycard wrote to me yesterday telling me that w.e.f 22nd July they will close my account, to tear up my card etc, never darken their doorsteps again etc. This not because I probably cost them more than they earn from me through little use, but .... because I don't have a UK address, even tho' on the odd occasion when I do use it, mainly just to keep it 'alive', I pay them from a UK bank account.

Barstewards.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#6 Post by ian16th » Wed May 02, 2018 7:56 am

ExSp33db1rd wrote:
Wed May 02, 2018 12:26 am
One of my RAF colleagues from the mid 50's, Best Mate, Bestman etc. became some Poobah in Barclays, and although I wasn't a customer sent me one of the then, new Barclaycards when they were introduced - early 60's ? - so I have been a Barclaycard holder for over 50 years, although admittedly not a great user, present day credit / debit cards from the banks I use becoming the norm. but I have kept it going for when I travel abroad, just as a back-up mainly.

Barclaycard wrote to me yesterday telling me that w.e.f 22nd July they will close my account, to tear up my card etc, never darken their doorsteps again etc. This not because I probably cost them more than they earn from me through little use, but .... because I don't have a UK address, even tho' on the odd occasion when I do use it, mainly just to keep it 'alive', I pay them from a UK bank account.

Barstewards.
Speedy,

I dunno why they kept you on so long.

They took mine off me some years ago for the same illogical reason, and I'm a Barclays, Jersey customer.

The trouble is that to move my offshore account, while an ex-pat is just about impossible.
Otherwise I would have given them the heave long ago.

Ironically, the last place I used my Barclaycard was the 'Land of the Long White Cloud'.
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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#7 Post by OFSO » Wed May 02, 2018 10:41 am

Last week I sent a letter to my bank requesting a transfer from my a/c. Today I get an e-mail saying they can't do it as they do not have an example of my signature. That's odd ! I had to sign two documents when I opened the a/c last December. Have they lost 'em already ? I cannot even reply to their e-mail as their address doesn't accept incomings. In the same way that having no passengers at all on the railways means 100% targets are met, perhaps not permitting transfers in or out of a bank a/c means 100% security targets are met....

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#8 Post by dubbleyew eight » Wed May 02, 2018 12:55 pm

One would make a best seller if they compile the most absurd exchange between a bank and reality.
there was a guy in queensland sent demands for an overdue bill of $0.00 by his bank.
so after months and months of this he sent back a cheque of $0.00 to pay the overdue account.
some droid in the bank entered it into the system as a receipt for a cheque of $0.00 whereupon the bank computer crashed since the code couldnt handle a $0.00 input.
the bank spent days tracking down the cause of their computer failure and launched a case against the guy for considerable damages.
the magistrate or judge saw the case differently from the bank. he fined them thousands for incompetence and awarded a tidy sum to the guy to compensate for the harrassment.
true story.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#9 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Wed May 02, 2018 1:08 pm

This is my primary concern, with banks, government, etc. Increasingly, nobody with any authority has any common sense or morality, and nobody with any common sense and morality has any authority or courage. There is ever-decreasing resilience, and so firstly a jenga tower is built because standards are continually dropping, then a large scale collapse happens when a seemingly insignificant event occurs.
Western society is becoming a chaotic system. One awaits the butterfly.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#10 Post by Sisemen » Wed May 02, 2018 1:36 pm

It’s not only the banks. A well known web site insists on sending a well expired identity birthday wishes!


On 29 Apr 2018, at 15:01, PPRuNe Forums <admin1@pprune.com> wrote:

Hello allan907,

We at PPRuNe Forums would like to wish you a happy birthday today!



Seeing as I am permanently banned I would suggest you remove this computer generated hypocrisy.

AEH


Thank you for your kind response to our birthday wishes. However, may
we point out to you that you are in fact responding to a computer
generated message.

Whilst we do sincerely wish you a vey happy birthday, we are unable to
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to a real human in due course.

In the meantime, please continue to enjoy your PPRuNe experience and
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PPRuNe Admin

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#11 Post by Slasher » Wed May 02, 2018 3:01 pm

Well at least TOP's computer likes you Sise!

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#12 Post by Sisemen » Wed May 02, 2018 3:13 pm

Yep. But I really don’t want to have a “meaningful relationship” with them :D

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#13 Post by ExSp33db1rd » Sat May 12, 2018 4:21 am

Barclaycard -cancellation - further to my last ... I rang to express my displeasure, and have today received an e-mail "Survey Monkey" thing, asking for feedback about my experience at that time. I've told them !! Maybe I will now be arrested for using obscene language. Feel a lot better, but of course they won't care. Just naybe, if a computer programme is compiling an assessment of the answers, a 1 out of 10 in every category might just cause a hiccough on some programme, somewhere ? I can dream.

I could understand if this was going to make a dent in the Bad Boys experiences of moving money around the World, but it ain't, all it is doing is inconveniencing the - mostly (!) - law abiding, ordinary citizens.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#14 Post by OFSO » Sat May 12, 2018 6:41 am

Wife's just received an e-mail welcoming her to her new HSBC account and 'click here to activate her card'. She didn't apply for an a/c and hasn't received a card. 50% chance it is phishing and 50% chance just the bank's incompetence.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#15 Post by Capetonian » Sat May 12, 2018 7:47 am

HSBC wankers too. One of their ATMs swallowed my debit card, so I rang the number on the machine "if your card has been lost or stolen" and the first question they asked me was "Can you give me the 16 digit number on the front of your card."

"No, I can't as it's in the machine."

"Sorry, I can't discuss this with you as you have failed security."

I closed the account and now have one less bunch of **** to deal with and to irritate me.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#16 Post by ian16th » Sat May 12, 2018 8:16 am

ExSp33db1rd wrote:
Sat May 12, 2018 4:21 am
Barclaycard -cancellation - further to my last ... I rang to express my displeasure, and have today received an e-mail "Survey Monkey" thing, asking for feedback about my experience at that time. I've told them !! Maybe I will now be arrested for using obscene language. Feel a lot better, but of course they won't care. Just naybe, if a computer programme is compiling an assessment of the answers, a 1 out of 10 in every category might just cause a hiccough on some programme, somewhere ? I can dream.

I could understand if this was going to make a dent in the Bad Boys experiences of moving money around the World, but it ain't, all it is doing is inconveniencing the - mostly (!) - law abiding, ordinary citizens.
When Barclaycard cancelled mine and I was trying to reverse their decision, I was told that I could 're-apply' for a card.

I told them that this was impossible, as I'd never applied for my 1st card. As it was issued to me as a valued customer, I never asked for one.

I was wasting my breath.

Somehow my world still operates without their service.
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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#17 Post by OFSO » Sat May 12, 2018 10:05 am

See post #14. Called bank, after half an hour they couldn't find out if the letter was genuine (from them) or not. Am I surprised at this ? no.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#18 Post by OFSO » Fri May 18, 2018 3:03 pm

See post #14 and #17. E-mail has arrived from bank: apologies but while loading new software, "the computer" has issued e-mails to you as a new customer instead of an existing customer. Please Ignore.

And how many others I wonder. E-mail looked like a mass-mailing.

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#19 Post by ExSp33db1rd » Sat Jun 02, 2018 5:50 am

OTP "clicking" gadgets.

One of the DigiPass OTP gadgets that I have for one of the overseas banks I use, yesterday showed " batt O " when I presssed the magic start button, which I assume means that the battery is stuffed, or about to be stuffed as it did then produce a number, which fortunately worked, but for how much longer ?

We have discussed these things before, and thanx to those who have tried to educate me to their wondrous ways, but I have always wondered about their power source, and how I would renew it - if necessary?

I e-mailed the bank and asked if the message did indeed mean that the battery is on its last legs, but they merely told me to contact their supplier to request a new one. The supplier replied to the effect that I have to apply to the bank for a replacement, buck passing all round.

Question ... Are they indeed battery operated, I can't see why they wouldn't be, and what is the experienced life expectancy for these things, the four I have are about 5 years old, tho' this is the first one to show a problem.

And yes, one Bank I use does send a text message halfway around the World to my cellphone, assuming that I can remember to switch it on and wait, which also assumes that I know where I last put it, but the rest have other cunning plots, like these clicking things, but the best being a coded card from which they ask for 3 answers, i.e. give us B4 C9 G2 etc.

Managed quite well without this nonsense until the Internet and Online Banking was invented, and if they suddenly decide to say April Fool, what use is that to anyone ?

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Re: Royal Bank of Wankers

#20 Post by unifoxos » Sat Jun 02, 2018 7:57 am

Ex SP I have an HSBC whatsit, which is still on its original battery after, I guess, about ten years. There is no way of opening it to replace the battery without destroying it in the process. The more complex Barclays gadget, which takes a smart card, lasted about a year, but I suspect that is because inserting the card turns it on, and it stays on until you remove the card, whereas the HSBC one turns off after a few seconds. So I had left the card in without realising and killed the battery.

When the Barclays one failed I contacted them and they said I could open it up and replace the four or five cells or they would just send me a new one - there's no serial number or code stored in it - it's all in the card. So I took the cheaper (for me) option.
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