Rant of the Day v2.

[Flintstone]

I've called the police plenty of times (again yesterday). They don't have the staff. If we're lucky they send a PCSO who walks up the road dressed in hi-viz so by the time they get her the miscreants have all farked orf. We too had an incident in the school car park where the parent ignored the No Entry sign, fortunately the child's injuries were minor.

I've my own copper living in my house (when she's not at uni) and asked her to pop out there in uniform. Apparently though it's official policy not to let the public know where a copper lives for fear of ISIS or something so she can't. I think I'll dig out the welder, buy a bag of nails and start making up some caltrops.


Oh, and his answer to my question was "I'd have parked over there but someone beat me to it". How are these people allowed to breed?

[Pontius Navigator]

My wife worked at a school in Skegness. The school had an in and out entrance so visitors and staff could drive down one street, through the school to the car park and exit down the next street.

Both streets were residential, the roads two-way, and residents parking on both sides. There was only room for one car in the middle. Parents were not allowed to drive through the school grounds as the gates were shut. At chucking our time both streets would be grid locked. We are talking a plug of 30+ cars in each street. If there had been a fire or medical emergency, no chance.

I would park in a different street and collect Mrs PN, only a short walk.

[4mastacker]

Feckin Hotmail. We're trying to change passwords and it's sending us round in bloody circles and telling us we can't access our account for another thirty days.

[Ex-Ascot]

The lawyer acting for our dead publisher has accepted that I am alive and well and living in the bush with no physical address and will pay royalties owed (peanuts). The pension protection fund who will owe me three months pension (not peanuts) in two weeks will still not shift. They need a filled in form by post and proof of physical address. When I get back to Europe in a month I am going to go to London, get this cretin, shove him on an aircraft and then a ship and drag him up our mountain with a rope around his neck behind a donkey and point out our house with no physical address. Then if necessary spend three days getting him here and have him herded through the bush for forty kilometres by angry hippos to show him our no physical address here as well. If you are not; 41, Hillside Crescent, Mucksville WS14 9HP with an electricity bill to prove it you are homeless in their view. W@nkers. Every single e-mail I send is '10 working days to respond'.

[Ex-Ascot]

Further to my last just had a 20 min phone call to them. They are trying to work something out for my 'exceptional' circumstances.

[Wodrick]

In my similar circumstances the Pension Provider now (well last time they did) accept the signed and witnessed form by e-mail. I suppose you don't have a printer/scanner.
They send it by e-mail too.

[Wodrick]

Viewings.
Well they turned up ten minutes late and then didn't come in as they knew they wouldn't be buying as they couldn't countenance the track.
A concrete or tarmac track. Swedish poofters.

[OFSO]

If you don't want to buy, any excuse will do. At least they got to the front door even if they didn't enter. How many viewers don't even turn up ? Biggest prat was Thomas the German. Estate agent told him we have an indoor pool, showed him pictures. "But I wanted an outdoor pool" he complained when he got to the house. Next day came up with A Plan. Fill in existing pool, turn it into three rooms, erect steel structure on 45° slope with an outdoor pool on top. Costed at €200,000 which he thought was only reasonable WE should deduct from asking price. Came with contract which he asked us to sign. Er, no. He actually wept.

[Pontius Navigator]

Well I admit to one 'no show' years ago. Detached house, non-estate location, nice picture. Pre internet so that was it.

Arrived, sink estate opposite, picture no resemblance with paint peeling off sofits, Windows etc. Why waste our time.

This time round with emails and internet sent regular raspberries to estate agents 'please explain how pre-war 3-bed semi no garage in need of modernisation' meets our requirement of modern 4-bed detached with garage?

Another we looked in ticked all the boxes BUT the vendor's wife was a compulsive shopper. One bed room was inaccessible with jigsaw puzzles, board games, model kits etc, all shrink wrapped. In another living room one wall, and to end floor to ceiling. Garage absolutely packed.

They were down sizing but we told the estate agent that we could not imagine how they could ever pack up.

On that previous round of looking went on to one house and my immediate reaction was jam a wadded handkerchief over my nose 'what's that smell' I blurted out. I think it was stale tobacco but so pungent.

[OFSO]

Went to see top international estate agent in London. VERY well-known name. Told her (lady rep) where my property was, town of Roses on Bay of Roses on the Mediterranean coast. Never heard of it. Figueras ? No. Girona ? No. Asked for postcode. Couldn't find it. "We only sell properties by the sea" she said. Duh. Explained I am three miles from sea at 600' asl. Finally told me they only sell to their 'exclusive international clientele' via a local agent in Barcelona. Looked up this agents, their web site only in Castilliano. Very international.

"But if they ever decide to sell in your area (sub voce 'whever it is') we'll be in touch." Pigs, wings,fly.

Pontius, where do Estate Agents buy those special distorting cameras that make rooms look bigger ?

[Pontius Navigator]

OFSO, best clue is door widths. 90 cm ovens do exist but 60 is the norm. When we sold we were happy with the pictures but everyone who came said it was bigger than the realised.

[Undried Plum]

those special distorting cameras that make rooms look bigger

Any camera in which the focal length of the lens is less than the diagonal length of the focal plane, ie film or sensor area, will do that.

[Pontius Navigator]

He knew that

It is also the ones that miss the telegraph pole (like what we had) or the HV power pylon 'growing out the roof'.

[OFSO]

German who had the house in Spain which I am trying to flog had wiiide doors, just in case. And an overhanging roof in the terrace which lets low winter sun in and keeps hot summer sun out. All very clever and calculated.

[ExSp33db1rd]

Estate Agents ? Lawyers ? No, I won't go on, but just been shafted by one of each.

[Rwy in Sight]

Lawyers as I understand are too busy to be nice to potential customers and more often than not they have plenty so why bother. Estate Agents have so fewer customers and they can't bother to keep their potential customers at least informed: you have a property to sell/rent out and it is gone pick the phone and say to a customer: sorry it is gone I will keep you posted when a new one comes around. They are worst liars than politicians.

[Woody]

Just had the boarding card argument at MUNICH airport trying to buy a soft drink, Teutonic robot won the day by threatening to call the Police

[Flintstone]

Estate agents. Ahem.


Many, many moons ago just after I'd left school........well alright, just after I was left from school (it was a fair cop as I was hardly ever there), a mate suggested I give the estate agent malarkey a go. I wasn't interested until they said "company car" which as an 18-year old was all I needed to hear.

It didn't go well. Bunch of shifty, lying charlatans. The last thing they needed was another one (me) so I jacked it in but not before calling a few clients and filling them in on how the agency planned to shaft them. Fake buyers who would make low offers to drive the price down so the agent could buy the property in another name etc.

Fast forward almost forty years to last night, I was out for the monthly curry with a few old school mates one of whom is a partner in an agency in an affluent part of London. Listening to him waffle on about needing a Bentley to complete his life made me realise what a close shave I'd had four ddecades ago. I mean, if I'd stayed I might have turned into an utter, utter c***. Instead I became a pilot and definitely did.

[Ex-Ascot]

In my similar circumstances the Pension Provider now (well last time they did) accept the signed and witnessed form by e-mail. I suppose you don't have a printer/scanner.
They send it by e-mail too.

No Wodders SECURITY. They want to send me a piece of paper which I must fill in and sign and send back to them. They probably check it for finger prints. I will get a hippo to stand on it. I have e-mailed them with all the information they asked for and a copy of my signature.

It seems that I have now got three departments (and let us not forget government departments) talking to each other to come up with a solution. More chance of Brexit happening before they sort it out.

[ricardian]

Pontius, where do Estate Agents buy those special distorting cameras that make rooms look bigger ?

Those "show houses" on new build estates always have the internal doors removed and the furniture is always small (tiny 3 piece suite, 2' 6" single bed, 3' 6" double bed, etc)