Aviation Humour

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CharlieOneSix
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Aviation Humour

#1 Post by CharlieOneSix » Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:03 am

Oddball and funny things must have happened to all of us at some time during our aviation careers. To start the ball rolling, a post on TOP brought back memories of a guy I first met in the RN in '67. Always the comedian and very laid back and relaxed, many years later on civvie North Sea ops the two crew of Captain rank were on a Line Check from Aberdeen to the Beatrice Field, this guy acting as P2. The Line Training Captain, now long passed on, was a grumpy ex-Army pilot and was sat on the horribly cramped afterthought of a jump seat.

The story related by the P1 goes like this: "When asked what service we required en route to the Beatrice he responded to Lossie Radar with "Room Service please". We were on a line check with the Line Training Captain crumpled in the jump seat, me RHS with my head in my hands. He got 6 months P1 U/S for that and couldn't care less."
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ExSp33db1rd
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Re: Aviation Humour

#2 Post by ExSp33db1rd » Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:26 am

Captain with a stutter, offered to give position report to Ocean Station Charlie, this being on VHF, as North Atlantic Barons never touched the HF !!

Oh -oh -oh- st - st - stay shun Ch-Ch-Ch - arlie..... etc. for a VERY long time, and finally finishing with Ch-ch-ch-arlie di-di-did you c-c-c-copy ?

"Jeez", came a Southern Accented reply, " did we copy ? We've carved it into the fcukng deck " !!

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Re: Aviation Humour

#3 Post by Cacophonix » Tue Dec 18, 2018 3:45 am

ExSp33db1rd wrote:
Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:26 am
Captain with a stutter, offered to give position report to Ocean Station Charlie, this being on VHF, as North Atlantic Barons never touched the HF !!

Oh -oh -oh- st - st - stay shun Ch-Ch-Ch - arlie..... etc. for a VERY long time, and finally finishing with Ch-ch-ch-arlie di-di-did you c-c-c-copy ?

"Jeez", came a Southern Accented reply, " did we copy ? We've carved it into the fcukng deck " !!

A Captain with a stutter! Poor fellow. =))

Given the impatience and rapid fire delivery of some of the US air traffic controllers, a man with a stutter or a Foghorn Leghorn type of slow drawl, would be enough to drive most of them to apoplexy! :))

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Re: Aviation Humour

#4 Post by Cacophonix » Tue Dec 18, 2018 3:55 am

True story. One of my PPL instructors, now driving 737's in some God forsaken part of the world, had the Lycoming in the PA38 he was flying crack a cylinder head, and, as gravity, the pilot's eternal enemy dragged him down, he made a Mayday call, to which the air traffic controller wishing to be helpful asked, rather superfluously, if there was anything he could do to help, to which the pilot, ever quick witted, said "Fit a new engine, or failing that go and buy me a pizza with extra pineapple and ham"...

He made a perfect landing in a Welsh field and, a new engine was fitted and the aircraft safely flown out again a couple of days later.

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Re: Aviation Humour

#5 Post by ExSp33db1rd » Tue Dec 18, 2018 7:55 am

As Caco remarked ... Leaving JFK one night, the co-pilot ( not me ! ) in the pre- STAR and SID days took the clearance, delivered at the standard machine gun rate, so it was "say all after" and later, "say after Victor 63" and "repeat after intercepting the 270 radial of .... " etc. etc. Eventually the controller said, " OK everybody, standby, I'm going to take it r-e-a-l s-l-o-w ... we have a Limey here.

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Re: Aviation Humour

#6 Post by ExSp33db1rd » Tue Dec 18, 2018 7:57 am

Working on the pre-start checks one day, we heard the flight deck door open and a voice say " What winks, whistles and fcuks like a tiger "? We turned around to see one of stewardesses winking and whistling at us !

No further comment.

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Re: Aviation Humour

#7 Post by flynverted » Mon Feb 25, 2019 7:18 am

Yonks ago at KRIC one summer afternoon had a sh!t ton of thunderstorms move through. Most flts were delayed or cancelled, and right in the middle of the mess we had a 737-400 to PHL go tech. (It was already fuelled to PHL) Got a call from dispatch a few hours later asking moi to check fob on it as it was so late it was overflying PHL and was going to what sounded like Dullas on the staticy 2 way...
Called dispatch back on the 2 way, said he had plenty. If i remember right, it had 30 odd thousand pounds. KRIC-DULLES is only about a 25 minute flt.
A bit later i was called to go see the Cap'n on the flt deck. ~X(
Cap'n says he aint got enough fukcing fuel
Me: yea yo do, mate, you're overflying PHL and going to Dulles..
Cap'n: we aint got enough fuel to get to (sounded to me like Dulles)
Me: It's only a 25 minute flt and you got 3x,xxx pounds... to get to Dulles
Cap'n (with a strong texas drawl) NOT DULLES, DALLAS, AS IN TEXAS!!!!
Me: oops. :D How much more you want?
Cap'n: at least another 3x,xxx pounds and extra if ya got it
I called the fuel truck and told him to top off the dulles(dallas) flt.
Flt left with about 30xxx lbs of fuel more than the Cap'n asked for. :D but he was happy...

Dulles and Dallas sound a lot alike.... And mistakes can be made... :D

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Re: Aviation Humour

#8 Post by Woody » Mon Feb 25, 2019 7:42 am

One of our venerable 747s operating to CPT, last flight of the day, so obviously we’re all getting ready to go home, all pax on board, Skipper announces 2 hour tech delay X(
I won the race to the cockpit, new windscreen wiper required, engineering decided that a new one is needed and didn’t have one available, asked Skipper if I could borrow his credit card and nip down Halfords as it would be quicker, generous offer declined :ymdevil:
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Re: Aviation Humour

#9 Post by Pontius Navigator » Mon Feb 25, 2019 8:00 am

You should have asked who was PF and swapped it over.

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Re: Aviation Humour

#10 Post by Woody » Mon Feb 25, 2019 8:10 am

Pontius Navigator wrote:
Mon Feb 25, 2019 8:00 am
You should have asked who was PF and swapped it over.
:D
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Re: Aviation Humour

#11 Post by ian16th » Mon Feb 25, 2019 8:17 am

flynverted wrote:
Mon Feb 25, 2019 7:18 am

Flt left with about 30xxx lbs of fuel more than the Cap'n asked for. :D but he was happy...
Isn't there an old saying; 'The only time you can have too much fuel, is if you are on fire!'
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Re: Aviation Humour

#12 Post by ExSp33db1rd » Mon Feb 25, 2019 8:36 am

and the only time to jump out of an aeroplane is when it's on fire ?

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Re: Aviation Humour

#13 Post by Boac » Mon Feb 25, 2019 8:58 am

How about 'when it is going to crash'?

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Re: Aviation Humour

#14 Post by Undried Plum » Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:02 am

The only excuse for running out of fuel is bullet holes.

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Re: Aviation Humour

#15 Post by Slasher » Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:16 am

Flt left with about 30xxx lbs of fuel more than the Cap'n asked for. :D but he was happy...
I've always wondered about this "happy" business.

Capt are you happy with the fuel load?
Capt are you happy with your day old crew meal?
Capt are you happy with the current retiming of your late Cairo?
Capt are you happy with your sim check being 3am now?
Capt are you happy with the FMC setup?
Capt are you happy with long radar vectors?
Capt are you happy with the V1 adjustment of 1 knot?

Oh of course mate! I'm bouncing off the walls with happidom. I am absolutely ecstatic! Over the bloody moon I am! Man I live for one knot V1 adjustments and 3am simulator check rides! :-w

FFS couldn't they've just asked me instead if I was satisfied?

The only time I was "happy" in the Gulf was sitting in 2A on the 777 about to push back for BKK on 5 days off. :YMPARTY:

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Re: Aviation Humour

#16 Post by Undried Plum » Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:26 am

Happiness is V1 at Lagos. :YMPARTY:

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Re: Aviation Humour

#17 Post by Woody » Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:33 am

Didn’t Concorde have to be towed onto stand at LHR once, due to landing with critical amount of fuel remaining? Think that I’ve got a Figment cartoon somewhere back home.
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Re: Aviation Humour

#18 Post by Slasher » Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:34 am

Undried Plum wrote:
Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:26 am
Happiness is V1 at Lagos. :YMPARTY:
...and Calcutta.

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Re: Aviation Humour

#19 Post by Cacophonix » Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:28 am

Slasher wrote:
Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:34 am
Undried Plum wrote:
Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:26 am
Happiness is V1 at Lagos. :YMPARTY:
...and Calcutta.

Aw surely you would call the epiphany of being on final to Venus as the apotheosis of your life's endeavours! =))

The little green devil is jumping up and down on Caco's shoulder today.

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Re: Aviation Humour

#20 Post by Pontius Navigator » Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:56 am

And Chennai.

I still remember standing outside all the occupied traps with a young Indian lad also hopping from one foot to the other.

When I heard the bolt click 14st beats 9 any day.

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