Aviation Humour

[ian16th]

Happiness is V1 at Lagos.

My vote still goes to Karachi, and I haven't been back since 1963.

[Ex-Ascot]

I would not be happy with V1 you could still crash in the bundu ahead. One preferred V2 out of such ***** holes.

I think I have mentioned this before. Freight load of bombs and the girlie loadmaster takes out all the safety pins tagged, 'Remove before flight'.

On 32 Sqn (Andover) we used to go to Aldergrove (Belfast) at least twice a week with the NI Secretary of State. For security reasons in signals it was always referred to as Islay. The other Sqn at NHT, 207 Sqn (Devons) got a tasking to 'Islay' with a lesser VIP of ours as we were over tasked. They didn't know our secret coding and took him to Islay. At least he could get a decent bottle of malt.

Our youngest ever VC10 Capt (Flt Lt made AVM) LHS and a Gp Capt doctor in the jump seat in uniform. Flt Deck visit. The chap turns to the doctor and say, 'I trust that you are going to take over for the landing'. 'You must be joking' he said. 'I am a doctor not a pilot'.

[Slasher]

Aw surely you would call the epiphany of being on final to Venus as the apotheosis of your life's endeavours!

When the V1 call was made on my last Venus it brung on a smile Caco, and my T/O safety briefing was this:

"If sh!t happens before V1 I'll call STOP and use all braking aids. You will monitor reverse thrust and auto brake. Advise me of any malfunction. I'll bring this bitch to a full stop, you call the tower and I'll advise the girls. I'll then give you my epsulettes, I'll use the cockpit escape window and run across to catch the next Egyptair back to the Gulf.

After V1 takeoff continues. No actions below 400 feet except for gear up, silencing the warning if a fire, and any cries of WTF! At 400ft my aircraft my radios and you carry out ECAM actions. At 1500 feet I'll call STOP ECAM, we'll clean up on schedule, at green dot I'll pull ALT and set MCT. We'll start APU and ensure engine secured. I'll then advise ATC we require direct airways to Jeddah at aaah...FL190. We'll park at Jeddah apron 4 and I'll catch the 7am SV 330 to the Gulf. Any questions?"

"Er captain... what if the fire is uncontrollable?"

"I will immediately declare Mayday, turn around and land on RNW O5L and take the taxiway nearest to the Egyptair. I'll then use the cockpit window and run across the apron to said flight. You'll be in command after I throw you my 4 bars to handle RFF coordination and pax evacuation if it becomes necessary. Um...anything else?"

"Nope."

"Before start checklist please!"

[Cacophonix]

Aw surely you would call the epiphany of being on final to Venus as the apotheosis of your life's endeavours!

When the V1 call was made on my last Venus it brung on a smile Caco, and my T/O safety briefing was this:

"If sh!t happens before V1 I'll call STOP and use all braking aids. You will monitor reverse thrust and auto brake. Advise me of any malfunction. I'll bring this bitch to a full stop, you call the tower and I'll advise the girls. I'll then give you my epsulettes, I'll use the cockpit escape window and run across to catch the next Egyptair back to the Gulf.

After V1 takeoff continues. No actions below 400 feet except for gear up, silencing the warning if a fire, and any cries of WTF! At 400ft my aircraft my radios and you carry out ECAM actions. At 1500 feet I'll call STOP ECAM, we'll clean up on schedule, at green dot I'll pull ALT and set MCT. We'll start APU and ensure engine secured. I'll then advise ATC we require direct airways to Jeddah at aaah...FL190. We'll park at Jeddah apron 4 and I'll catch the 7am SV 330 to the Gulf. Any questions?"

"Er captain... what if the fire is uncontrollable?"

"I will immediately declare Mayday, turn around and land on RNW O5L and take the taxiway nearest to the Egyptair. I'll then use the cockpit window and run across the apron to said flight. You'll be in command after I throw you my 4 bars to handle RFF coordination and pax evacuation if it becomes necessary. Um...anything else?"

"Nope."

"Before start checklist please!"

If I ever doubted you were ready to leave our last job, this piece of humour removes any of that Slash!

Caco

[Slasher]

Humour? Nah...it's exackly what me briefing was mate! Gulf 777s bound for the 'kok don't wait for anybody - even for a brand new hot off the shelf joyous retiree like moi!

[flynverted]

Flt left with about 30xxx lbs of fuel more than the Cap'n asked for. but he was happy...

I've always wondered about this "happy" business.

Capt are you happy with the fuel load?
Capt are you happy with your day old crew meal?
Capt are you happy with the current retiming of your late Cairo?
Capt are you happy with your sim check being 3am now?
Capt are you happy with the FMC setup?
Capt are you happy with long radar vectors?
Capt are you happy with the V1 adjustment of 1 knot?

Oh of course mate! I'm bouncing off the walls with happidom. I am absolutely ecstatic! Over the bloody moon I am! Man I live for one knot V1 adjustments and 3am simulator check rides!

FFS couldn't they've just asked me instead if I was satisfied?

The only time I was "happy" in the Gulf was sitting in 2A on the 777 about to push back for BKK on 5 days off.

Point taken,Cap'n.

Just back then it was normal to ask the Cap'n if everything was ok.... Fuel, load ballance, extra fuel for wx, wx avoidance, alternate fuel...
We had everything printed out from clp (central load planning) in CT and mostly 1 or 2 or more hours old.... Thats why we ask the Cap'n if he washappy...

[flynverted]

CLT*

[ExSp33db1rd]

due to landing with critical amount of fuel remaining?

Woody, see P.M. (in a few minutes)

[Slasher]

Point taken,Cap'n.

Don't take it seriously mate. In the Sick Joke thread I mentioned recently I'm gonna do skits about airline flying in George Carlin fashion (i.e. in his later "FM" stage of life). I was dicking around with the "happy" theme when I saw you mention the word. Posted what draft material I had at the time (sans obscenities) as part of the PREFLIGHT GROUND skit.

[flynverted]

No worries, mate,!!! Thats just wot we all did in the U.S.....
You happy with that...???

[flynverted]

Diffetent sayings in different countries..... ;)

No oneiswrong, just different...

[Stoneboat]

Happiness is V1 at Lagos.

Anybody remember whose signature that was on TOP? I hear he's outta jail.

[Capetonian]

[Slasher]

No worries, mate,!!! Thats just wot we all did in the U.S.....
You happy with that...???

Yes mate. I'm so happy that I'm ecstatic and over the moon!

[Woody]

Good news is that JuniorWoody got a place at the school he and we wanted

Bad news, I’m back at Perry Oaks International at sparrows fart o’clock working

Oops wrong thread

[FD2]

PILOTS TO READ


There appears to be some confusion over pilot role titles.
The landing pilot is initially the handling pilot and will handle
the take-off and the landing. For Descent in role reversal,
however, he is the non-handling landing pilot, when the
non-landing pilot becomes the non-landing handling pilot. For
taxi and until 80kts. in the take-off phase, the handling pilot
will be the non landing pilot, when the "handling non-landing
pilot" will hand the handling to the landing pilot at 80 kts.
The non landing (non-handling as the landing pilot is handling)
pilot reads the "After Take Off" and "Cruise" and any subsequent
checks to the handling landing pilot until after "Descent
checklist" completion, when the handling landing pilot, hands to
the non-handling non-landing pilot.
The landing pilot is the non-handling pilot until "Decide," when
the handling non-landing pilot hands the handling to the
non-handling landing pilot, unless the latter calls "Go around"
when the handling non-landing pilot, continues handling and the
non-handling landing pilot continues non-handling until the next
"Decide" call.

I hope this clears up the confusion.

[barkingmad]

FD2, many thanks for that re-run of a golden oldie!!

I had a copy of it long time ago, before I joined WFA to play exactly that silly game, eventually, as part of the BEA versus BOAC war which took place post-privatisation and the great willy-waving contest which took place thereafter.

In addition to which there was the investing in the Yen, the tail fins fiasco, numerous CC strikes, selling 'Go', refurbishing Concorde after the Paris crash and the getting into bed with Iberia.

And then we wonder why the great British flag carrier has sunk to such a low level in it's treatment of the employees resulting from Covid-1984?

Even in the early 2000s I was asked by LGW ATC tower controllers during a liaison visit why did that particular airline so frequently ask for confirmation of landing clearance, much to the chagrin and confusion of the tower controllers...

[Woody]

eventually, as part of the BEA versus BOAC war which took place post-privatisation and the great willy-waving contest which took place thereafter.

Even better PaWoody was a Cambrian Klingon and that ended up in court.

[Woody]

[tango15]

Many years ago there was a 125-800 roll-out at Chester. Myself and a colleague were detailed to go down to LGW with a 748 to collect and control a load of aviation journalists and the following morning and bring them to Chester. We had two cabin crew to be nice to the journalists, and the following morning they all duly arrived, along with a couple of senior BAe beings, one of whose name was John Glasscock - I kid you not!
After the roll-out was over, the journalists returned to the aircraft and I did a head count. There was one missing and I realised it was John. I went back into reception and asked if they had seen him and they said he was in the lounge, watching the Cheltenham Gold Cup, or some such. A quick check of the lounge and various other places was made, but no sign of our senior being. Beginning to worry a little and doubting my head count, I returned to the aircraft and did another, in the course of which I saw John. I went up front and told the guys that everyone was on board and then back to the galley to tell the ladies they could close the door. (The aircraft had airstairs fitted). In the process of stowing the stairs, I asked one of the girls why she didn't tell me John Glasscock was on board. "I didn't notice him, we were busy", was the reply.
"With a name like that you should have seen him coming", was my reply. There was much giggling in the galley on the return to Gatwick and they told me afterwards they had great difficulty keeping a straight face when serving him later. I gather the story reached him some time later and he was much amused.