Getting back to why I'm on board (so to speak) with Cape's comment about public painsport:
Buses and trains. No objection so long as they're devoid of public:
1. There's always some bastard who has to cough continuously off and on as if he's trying to barf up a lung. No hanky or rag used. Who knows what viral filth he's spreading in the air.
2. Idiots who'll somehow still manage to stomp on your feet while you're sitting despite your clodhoppers being well and truly out of the way.
3. A fat fcuk of whatever gender will ALWAYS choose to sit next to you.
3a. If a set of big tits graces the seat next to you it'll be attached to a Diane Abbot lookalike (or worse!)
4. Some loudmouthed shithead will insist on yelling to his mate in conversation even though he's only 4 inches away from his ears.
5. Likewise there'll be always be a fcukwit who want you to listen to his smartphone yacking (I just pretend to listen in and nod now and then because I thought I was involved in the conversation).
6. Uncontrolled brats need no expanding on. Same with their dumb moronic parents. If they want to take their cute festering little shits then order a cab instead. Why should I and everyone else have to put up with 'em.
7. Someone standing/sitting nearby will fart. Guaranteed. And it'll stink like a rat had died up somebody's arse a week ago.
8. Millennial soy passengers sitting behind you. Nuff said.
9. Raging poofters talking and holding handsies in the train seat facing you. Your fists unconsciously form. Nuff said.
10.
A sexy adorable large breasted lass will sit opposite and give you a knowing smile when she catches you looking at her exquisite bosoms ...sorry that's
never happened. A fat ugly butch lezzo will sit opposite waiting to jump down your throat if you so much as glance at it's horribly misshaped slobbering tattooed udders. Even worse if it's got its fellow cow with it.
11. Some whiney gross dick will bawl you out for not giving your seat up to his 84 year old granny, even though you didn't see sh!t because you were reading a book trying to keep all these frigging dorks out of your face.
12. There'll be some idiotic drunk (esp at night) who'll want to strike up a conversation with you and crack the shits when you ignore him.
Then again there
are times when it was fun on the train from Stansted....
"Hello there."
"Yes how are you?"
" I'm good. I'm good. Going all the way to London?"
"Yes. Just for a few hours."
"So you're from Ostralia are you?"
"Yes ma'am that I be."
"You here for a holiday then?"
"No...just on business."
"So you're a businessman."
"No. Ahem...I'm a clinical gynecologist."
"Oh I see!"
"Yes. I have a practice in Sydney."
"Are you're thinking of working in London?"
"No...no. Just speaking to a bank I have an account with there and catching up with a couple of local surgeon friends I know."
"Oh that's very nice for you then."
10 to 15 minutes later the inevitable happens if I'm lucky...
"Doctor I'm awfully sorry to be so up front but I'm...ah..."
"Yes go ahead."
"Well I have this little problem. Oh I'm so embarrassed but..."
"No go ahead ma'am. I'm a professional medical practitioner and always glad to offer advice. I think we still have what..35 minutes to Liverpool Street?"
"Ok doctor well... [whisper whisper whisper whisper whisper]"
[lowering my book or newspaper and folding my arms] "I see. How long have you had this complaint?"
"About two months Dr."
"You are...?"
"37 years old."
"And how often do you have sex with your partner?"
"Oh I'd say...two to three times a week?"
"And is he a large man if I may ask?"
"Er...yes. Somewhat large."
"And what is your usual position during coitus?"
"During...coy...?"
"Intercourse. Sex. What position do you both usually partake in during it?"
"It varies but I prefer to be on top due to the pain."
"Does he climax quickly or rather slowly?"
"I talk somewhat crudely to him doctor during it so he will climax quicker."
"Yes of course. I can understand that. Do you also achieve climax simultaneously?"
"Sometimes. But the pain can divert me from my passions."
I see. Are your pelvic movements strong during his thrusts at climax?"
"Ah...yes doctor. But he pulls my pelvis into his thrusts as he climaxes."
"Ok then ma'am..."
"Cathy. Please call me Cathy."
"Ok Cathy. My name is Rod. I do hear this complaint from time to time. It isn't serious but it does bear looking into. May I just think about this for a few minutes?"
"Yes Dr Rod. I'll just go to the ladies..."
About 3 mins from arrival at Liverpool:
"Ok. Cathy isn't it? Cathy do you have a regular gynecologist?"
"Yes I do..but um I would prefer a second opinion."
"Well I would need to examine your vagina which of course I can't do, but here...I would recommend you call me on my number in Sybney, which is my clinic [actually it's a brothel] and I can do some research when I get back. I can also recommend a good gyno here from our wordwide database."
"Oh thank you awfully Dr."
"Ooh I can't find a card on me sorry. Just write down my name. Dr Rod Slasher. S-L-A-S-H-E-R."
"...H-E-R. thanks!"
"Call me in about 7 days. Sydney is 10 hours ahead of London. I'll be back by then."
"Thank you indeed Dr Rod. Er...what time?"
"I'll be working late so make it say...3pm UK time?"
"Ok thank you doctor. I'll call you at 3pm next Thursday."
"Good luck Cathy. Oh also [whisper]
it might be advisable to obstain from vaginal intercourse until you've seen a practitioner."
"Thank you so much doctor. Goodbye."
"Goodbye Cathy."
Dunno if I can still get away with that in this age of Google!