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Dear Agony Aunt

For the same time as last year, a husband and his wife and their two teenage daughters have arrived to stay for a couple of weeks at the villa below me. The wife is probably in her late thirties, very shapely, honey-blond hair, and sunbathes topless every day by the pool. The two daughters are in their late teens, they have lovely faces and also stunning figures. They spend most of the day swimming nude in the pool. When they emerge they massage oils and sun cream each other's bodies, brush each other's long blond hair and kiss and cuddle. The husband appears to have a job as he disappears each morning at 9 and rarely returns before midnight.

Last week when I was looking out over the Bay of Roses, the wife saw me and waved. I waved back. The next afternoon the same thing happened: this time the two daughters also waved to me and I think one of them beckoned to me. Certainly she made some sort of gesture with her fingers. Perhaps she was telling me she was a student at an Agricultural College as she seem to be suggesting she could milk a cow. On Friday last week, the wife held up a sign which with my binoculars I could read: it said "Come down for drinks Tuesday evening".

Unfortunately I watch "Coronation Street" on ITV every evening and this poses a dilemma as I'd hate to miss an episode. Should I invest in a SKY + Box so as to record the program in my absence, or should I assume they also watch "Coronation Street" and just turn up at their front door ?

If I was you I would play safe and invest in the sky box to record Coronation Street as it would be devastating for you to miss even one episode. A lot can happen and it could take weeks to catch up with the plot.

When visiting people it is polite to take a gift for the lady of the house. May I suggest a bottle of baby oil would go down well.

Is the villa next to yours for rent? I don't watch soaps. Soaping, though...

Dear OFSO,
I hate to alarm you, but it's probably best to be as honest as possible. You might be experiencing a serious case of split personality (DID). However, if you did NOT do anything definitive yet, I'd advise to wait a little more till more neighbours move in, and see if any more personalities emerge - some of them might be able to sort things out for others.

Dear OFSO

Have you taken your medication as directed?

Those ex U-boat commander bins are no longer top spec. Invest in state of the art gear and/or go to Specsavers. Also check the latest edition of 'Getting on Down with Da Yoof' and the chapter on hand signals. Be warned though, these change daily, so look online for the latest updates. Thus prepared and convinced you've read the signals correctly then throw over Corrie and go for drinks on Tuesday night.

A couple of things to consider:
1. The husband is on holiday too but disappears for hours on end. Think about what he may be up to on the Dodgy Costa and who his associates are. How fast can you run?
2. You have an amazing time but, a few days later, friends and strangers are looking at you and sniggering: you're a star on certain 'social media' sites and nominated in the best male newcomer category at the AVN awards.

You may be lucky in the short term but in the long run it could become messy. Google Alan Clark and The Coven.

To save time and a lot of angst, why don't you ask your present lady what you should do?

OFSO - You should take up bird watching and stop burd watching

Sounds like you have yourself a frightfully jolly little sniper perch there.

Sincerely

Douglas 'Bells' Quasimodo.

Two years later, an update. Quality of nubile wenches renting Spanish villas in my urbanisation has fallen to near zero. However good friend visiting his plot of land in Empuriabrava last week looked across the canal (it's a marina town) to see a pleasantly-tanned set of naked female buttocks in the garden opposite. Meanwhile a walk along the towpath in London today, much nicer ladies.