An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

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Stoneboat
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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#21 Post by Stoneboat » Sat Apr 16, 2016 4:09 am

Ode Tae a Fart

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in your belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place.

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A’body’s gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek.

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae ***** ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it’s no ma worry

A’body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wiz him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e’ere ye go let yer wind gan’ free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie’s party
Ower the sake o one wee farty

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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#22 Post by Flame Lily FX » Sat Apr 16, 2016 10:28 am

Image
Nasty Bitch bent over the kitchen sink!
I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#23 Post by Fliegenmong » Sun Apr 17, 2016 9:12 am

Yeah nah....never fart in front of Mrs Fliegs...just a respect thing really... B-)

Charming link that Lutra., thanks ever so much.... :((
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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#24 Post by Hydromet » Mon Apr 18, 2016 12:46 pm

Get yourself a dog, OFSO. Then you can blame it, often justifiably.

The story goes that Her Maj was in her office with her secretary and one of the corgis, when an SBD wafted through the air. The secretary gasps "Was that the dog?"

"Who else?" says HM.

Around here, we call SBDs Whispering Death. They always come from the dog, of course.

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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#25 Post by Magnus » Sun Jan 15, 2017 12:03 pm

Just found this thread while trying to track down a peculiar smell.

SBDs in Casa Magnus are known as SVBs - Silent But Violent.

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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#26 Post by unifoxos » Sun Jan 15, 2017 12:30 pm

A nice, young (32) and very attractive young lady made the comment the other day that
passing wind meant you were very comfortable in each others company.


SWMBO advises me that when she and her mates were younger and had stared acquiring boyfriends they used the expression "on farting terms" to indicate progress of the relationship, as in "Are you on farting terms yet?".

Referring to the OP, I don't frequent gyms but the odd one I've been in has (so-called) music loud enough to drown the sound of any fart.
Sent from my tatty old Windoze PC.

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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#27 Post by OFSO » Sun Jan 15, 2017 2:05 pm

Yes, the music is deliberately loud so as to drown the sound of farts - not just yours, but everyone else's too. Sadly the volume of music doesn't disperse the ghastly reest of the fart.

The gym where I do my morning stint has a right angled bend from the entrance passage into the space where the six jogging/treadmill machines stand. There are full length mirrors opposite but these don't give a complete view down the passage, and hence anyone running solo and perhaps releasing a blast from his rear portal during a loud passage of music may suddenly find some sweet young thing turning up on the next treadmill and making a face of disgust as she finds she has just inhaled what shortly before were the gaseous contents of your lower intestine on her way to get fit. I combat these problems by (a) liberally dousing myself with Old Spice, know to be a fart-cover-up-agent, and (b) wearing earbuds and an MP-3 player so I can't hear my own farts. Of course they are still there, but Descartes would have understood....

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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#28 Post by unifoxos » Sun Jan 15, 2017 2:53 pm

Old Spice, know to be a fart-cover-up-agent

Was given some for Christmas last year (2015), surprised to find it still existed as I've been using other brands since about 1970, when I converted to Brut. Knever knew it had that use, though.
Sent from my tatty old Windoze PC.

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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#29 Post by OFSO » Sun Jan 15, 2017 8:18 pm

Old Spice is also a good aftershave to use when intent on seducing ladies of a ...how shall I put it ?... mature age. Takes them back to their evil teenage years. Or younger ladies with a father-figure-complex.

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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#30 Post by Bob » Wed Aug 09, 2017 9:27 pm

This seems like a recurrent concern of yours, have you considered a change of diet?
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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#31 Post by Slasher » Sat Sep 02, 2017 9:52 am

OFSO wrote:Old Spice is also a good aftershave to use when intent on seducing ladies of a ...how shall I put it ?... mature age. Takes them back to their evil teenage years. Or younger ladies with a father-figure-complex.


I know pheromones play a small part in seduction, but I've never been seducted simply because of my aftershave. I thought the stuff merely helped cover up one's natural stinkness once the deodorant wears off.

While farting terms might be a significant relationship milestone, I feel **** terms to be significanter. This is where one can carry on a conversation completely at ease in the loo with one's partner who's sitting on the bog.

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Re: An excuse for breaking wind a minute earlier...

#32 Post by Pontius Navigator » Sat Sep 02, 2017 10:30 am

"There sterts to stir an enormous win' "

As aircrew in very high altitude aircraft we were not only taught the technique of relaxing but to avoid such flatulating food in pre-flight as baked beans and bacon. Of course the standard morning pre-flight was a full fry as you never knew when the next meal would be :)

Oh the joys of 100% oxygen.

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