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Dear Agony Aunt:

Several times a week when I'm on the treadmill at the gym, the most beautiful young lady appears and with a smile and friendly cry of "Hola, bonas !" she climbs aboard the machine next to me and we fast-walk uphill for an hour or so; me silently worshipping her lithe limbs, perfect face, pert young........ er, yes.

Now as any jogger/runner knows, the motion does tend to set the bowels working and frequently engenders the release of fumes noisy and odiferous from one's rear portal.

I would never dream of breaking wind in front of this georgeous creature, it would be like farting in the presence of an angel, but a couple of times I was running solo, thought she wasn't coming that day, and released a rip-snorter, only to have her arrive a minute later. Looking sideways, I could see her pretty little nose twitch and a look of puzzlement on her divine face, but had no ready excuse handy. I doubt that she knew what it was: such beauty can never have farted herself.

The excuse "My soul speaks when the moment is too divine for my lips" which is always handy if one breaks wind when making love doesn't seem appropriate in the gym. Can't blame it on the drains either, as they are too far away. I've taken to dowsing myself in "Old Spice" to drown the reest of the occasional de-pressurisation, but of course the noise remains and I can't always cough at exactly the right time or guarantee that the aftershave will override the obnoxious fumes seeping from the anklets of my 'Ronhill' jogging pants.

Any (sensible) ideas ?

I have no problem with letting the toothless wonder speak, regardless of who's around. It's a normal human bodily act.

Don't know but it reminds me of the story of the guy who had his shopping wuth him in a lift when he released a pungent one, and thinking fast, pulled out a can of pine-scented toilet spray. Next stop, a woman gets in, wrinkles her nose, and says : "Smells as if someone's taken a dump in a pine forest."

Sensible ideas ........
Don't go to gym?
Go to an outdoors gym?

the most beautiful young lady appears and with a smile ......... and lithe limbs, perfect face, pert young........ er, yes.

Why should we believe you without photographic evidence?

Don't worry, I sneaked in and took a photo of her :



and her sister :

Capetonian wrote:Don't know but it reminds me of the story of the guy who had his shopping wuth him in a lift when he released a pungent one, and thinking fast, pulled out a can of pine-scented toilet spray. Next stop, a woman gets in, wrinkles her nose, and says : "Smells as if someone's taken a dump in a pine forest."

Sensible ideas ........
Don't go to gym?
Go to an outdoors gym?

the most beautiful young lady appears and with a smile ......... and lithe limbs, perfect face, pert young........ er, yes.

Why should we believe you without photographic evidence?

Pert, young what? Finger nails?

OFSO: Perhaps you can find a gym in space. Because, as everyone knows, "in space no one hears you fart."

What is this 'excuse' of which you speak? Man up. Next time you drop your sump, clutch your groin while giggling to yourself.

A nice, young (32) and very attractive young lady made the comment the other day that
passing wind meant you were very comfortable in each others company.

Although I wouldn't extend that comment to the bedroom!

A mere fart? Pffft!

This is where it's at...

http://www.arrse.co.uk/community/thread ... ings.3375/

500N wrote:A nice, young (32) and very attractive young lady made the comment the other day that
passing wind meant you were very comfortable in each others company.

Although I wouldn't extend that comment to the bedroom!

She made this claim? Oh good, I'll endeavor to find some "nice, young and very attractive young lady" and let a big stinker rip when proposing a dinner date with her. "Would you like to accompany me to a fine dinner tonight, me lady?" ripppppp. ka-boom. ka-stench....

My down to earth brother, in a broad Yorkshire accent, comments "Nah then, tha'd rather 'ear that than be deef" whenever he lets one rip in public (which is often).

The silent ones are the smellier.

Rwy in Sight wrote:The silent ones are the smellier.

Definitely. Thus known as SBD's. (Silent But Deadly) And with the proper method of using a cigarette lighter, they make amazing pyro-technical displays.

OFSO wrote:Dear Agony Aunt: ...........................
I would never dream of breaking wind in front of this georgeous creature, it would be like farting in the presence of an angel, but a couple of times I was running solo, thought she wasn't coming that day, and released a rip-snorter, only to have her arrive a minute later. Looking sideways, I could see her pretty little nose twitch and a look of puzzlement on her divine face, but had no ready excuse handy. I doubt that she knew what it was: such beauty can never have farted herself.

The excuse "My soul speaks when the moment is too divine for my lips" which is always handy if one breaks wind when making love doesn't seem appropriate in the gym. Can't blame it on the drains either, as they are too far away. I've taken to dowsing myself in "Old Spice" to drown the reest of the occasional de-pressurisation, but of course the noise remains and I can't always cough at exactly the right time or guarantee that the aftershave will override the obnoxious fumes seeping from the anklets of my 'Ronhill' jogging pants.

Any (sensible) ideas ?

Next time you let one go when the young lady is around, just turn to her and say 'It's alright luv, nobody heard you'.

The Queen was riding down The Mall in a horse drawn carriage, accompanied by Bill Clinton (or whoever you choose!) when one of the horses lets off a loud and pungent fart.

HM QE2 is somewhat embarrassed and turns to him and apolgises, whereupon he says : "Well ma'am if you hadn't said anything I'd have thought it was one of the horses."

"Philip - how dare you fart before the Queen?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was her turn".

rgbrock1 wrote:............................Thus known as SBD's. (Silent But Deadly) And with the proper method of using a cigarette lighter, they make amazing pyro-technical displays.

Ah!! The Dance of the Flaming Rsoles - livened up a Naafi bop on many an occasion.

4mastacker wrote:

rgbrock1 wrote:............................Thus known as SBD's. (Silent But Deadly) And with the proper method of using a cigarette lighter, they make amazing pyro-technical displays.

Ah!! The Dance of the Flaming Rsoles - livened up a Naafi bop on many an occasion.

Um, 4mastacker? Can you translate, for this Colonist, what exactly a "Naafi bop" is? (Is it similar to square dancin'?)

rgbrock1 wrote:.........
Um, 4mastacker? Can you translate, for this Colonist, what exactly a "Naafi bop" is? (Is it similar to square dancin'?)

"Naafi bop" = entertainment put on by the Navy, Army and Air Force Institute (NAAFI) usually on a Thursday night. It would usually include a live group or a disco to allow the troops to participate in dancing of various styles with members of the opposite sex. In conjunction with the consumption of copious amounts of alcoholic beverages the evening usually ended with some extreme acts of bravado such as "The Dance'. Put in simpler terms, it was a piss-up in the junior ranks club.

4mastacker wrote:

rgbrock1 wrote:.........
Um, 4mastacker? Can you translate, for this Colonist, what exactly a "Naafi bop" is? (Is it similar to square dancin'?)

"Naafi bop" = entertainment put on by the Navy, Army and Air Force Institute (NAAFI) usually on a Thursday night. It would usually include a live group or a disco to allow the troops to participate in dancing of various styles with members of the opposite sex. In conjunction with the consumption of copious amounts of alcoholic beverages the evening usually ended with some extreme acts of bravado such as "The Dance'. Put in simpler terms, it was a piss-up in the junior ranks club.

Ah yes, we had similar on many an occasion.

....it was a piss-up in the junior ranks club.

Forgot to add:

...sometimes (but always) followed by breakfast in the guardroom cells/treatment at the medical centre/hat on/off interviews with a senior rank the following morning. A measure of how good a night was had was the depth of sh!t you were in/size of hangover you had the following day.

Another well-known member of the collection is the SLD or Sweet Little Drifter. Noisier than the SBD but just as deadly.

Haughty lady in restaurant lefts off a noisy fart but turns to hapless Irish waiter standing behind her: "Will you stop that" she says. "Certainly, your ladyship" says the waiter, "as soon as you'll be telling me which way it went".