Where did I go wrong ?

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OFSO
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Where did I go wrong ?

#1 Post by OFSO » Fri Jun 03, 2016 7:51 pm

In the never-ending effort to find some non-medicinal painkiller for the mem's knee joints, I ordered some horse liniment from Germany via the 'Big River' store.

I collected it in London last week and on the way home was visiting a friend who has an aged bulldog called Hymie as companion. He mentioned that Hymie's rear legs appeared to be getting very stiff and was walking with difficulty. As I had the horse liniment with me I suggested we try it on the dog. He called the dog over and rolled him on his back, so as to get access to the inside of the rear legs which are comparatively hairless and on which he thought the liniment would be more effective.

Accompanied by much stubby-tail-wagging (Hymie loves attention) he rubbed the gooey stuff well in each leg and then allowed the dog to stand up. It was at this point I recalled the instructions on the tub of liniment to avoid getting the stuff in the eyes, on the lips or other "sensitive" areas. Although Hymie has a large and pendulous scrotum, which rubs on the inside of his thighs, I really hadn't considered what might happen, and said so to my friend. We sat back and watched.

We hadn't long to wait. The first interesting signs were Hymie pushing his head back between his front legs as far as he could. He was evidently experiencing an interesting sensation and was trying to see what had happened to his rear end. Suddenly his head snapped back and he emitted a blood-curdling howl, reminiscent of the "Hound of the Baskervilles" in Conan-Doyles excellent mystery novel.

Shocked, I asked my friend whether we shouldn't do something but having seen Hymie in a rage once before he advised caution. By now the dog was hopping around the living room table emitting short shrill yelps and kicking both legs in the air. Now and then he looked behind him to see whether he was gaining ground on whatever was attacking him. The leaps got less but the speed increased until he was circling the living room faster and faster. Then, to our surprise, the old dog made a leap for the window - luckily open in last week's warm weather - and vanished outside. We made a dive for the door and opened it. We could hardly believe our eyes: surrounded by clouds of steam and accompanied by a loud hissing sound, Hymie sat with his rear end in the ornamental fish pool, tongue out and lolling and eyes rolling desperately.

It was at this point that one of the expensive carp in the pool, fascinated by the glowing orbs dangling from Hymie's rear end, decided enough was enough and he shouldn't ignore the free meal seemingly on offer. Amidst the tsunami-like eruption of water, not much was visible, but as it cleared we saw Hymie, a large and infuriated carp attached to his scrotum, heading at Warp Factor Eight for the back garden gate leading out onto Ordnance Crescent in the direction of the Millenium Dome.

As the dog vanished in the distance and the dust settled behind the departing dog, my friend looked at me and said "well, that seemed to have cured the stiffness in Hymie's back legs, didn't it".

What did I do wrong, dear Agony Aunt ? Was it remiss of me not telling my wife the above tale before handing her the liniment to rub into her aching knee joints ?

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limeygal
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Re: Where did I go wrong ?

#2 Post by limeygal » Fri Jun 03, 2016 8:38 pm

As I assume your wife doesn't have a scrotum, I doubt it will be a problem :)

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500N
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Re: Where did I go wrong ?

#3 Post by 500N » Fri Jun 03, 2016 8:44 pm

Thanks for posting.

LOL. Reminds me when "Deep heat" was liberally thrown around the shower by a certain "friend"
and it ended up on a certain part of the anatomy :D

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Re: Where did I go wrong ?

#4 Post by probes » Fri Jun 03, 2016 9:03 pm

Dear OFSO,
Where did you go wrong?
I'm afraid you have to become aware of the harsh realities of life - animal testing has increasingly been banned and alternatives suggested, like

"Both healthy and diseased tissues donated from human volunteers can provide a more relevant way of studying human biology and disease than animal testing.

Human tissue can be donated from surgery (e.g. biopsies, cosmetic surgery and transplants). For example, skin and eye models made from reconstituted human skin and other tissues have been developed and are used to replace the cruel rabbit irritation tests. Companies such as Episkin, Mattek and CellSystems GmbH now produce these tests in easy to use kits for companies to use to test their cosmetics and other substances.

Human tissue can also be used after a person has died (e.g. post-mortems)."


While I'm not suggesting methods that drastic, you might have been a gentleman and applied it on your humble self first.
yours,
AA

P.S Yours truly has almost healed the creaking knees (as for the pain, oh my!) with Symphytum officinale - just leaves put on them and some bandage to keep it there.

http://www.backyardnature.net/n/h/comfrey.htm

Image

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Re: Where did I go wrong ?

#5 Post by Alisoncc » Fri Jun 03, 2016 11:42 pm

Probes, use a well-respected Chinese liniment myself. Known as Zheng Gu Shui. Works wonders on all sorts of muscles, tendons, joints and hurty things.

zheng.jpg
zheng.jpg (27.07 KiB) Viewed 535 times


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Fliegenmong
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Re: Where did I go wrong ?

#6 Post by Fliegenmong » Sun Jun 05, 2016 8:03 am

Where do you get that from Alison?

(Hellishly funny story OFSO, well written!)
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go... Oscar Wilde

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Re: Where did I go wrong ?

#7 Post by Alisoncc » Sun Jun 05, 2016 8:10 am

Fliegs, most Chinese herbalist in Oz stock it. Apply to affected joint, and then wrap in cotton to keep heat in. It does stain easily.

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