Where did I go wrong ?
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2016 7:51 pm
In the never-ending effort to find some non-medicinal painkiller for the mem's knee joints, I ordered some horse liniment from Germany via the 'Big River' store.
I collected it in London last week and on the way home was visiting a friend who has an aged bulldog called Hymie as companion. He mentioned that Hymie's rear legs appeared to be getting very stiff and was walking with difficulty. As I had the horse liniment with me I suggested we try it on the dog. He called the dog over and rolled him on his back, so as to get access to the inside of the rear legs which are comparatively hairless and on which he thought the liniment would be more effective.
Accompanied by much stubby-tail-wagging (Hymie loves attention) he rubbed the gooey stuff well in each leg and then allowed the dog to stand up. It was at this point I recalled the instructions on the tub of liniment to avoid getting the stuff in the eyes, on the lips or other "sensitive" areas. Although Hymie has a large and pendulous scrotum, which rubs on the inside of his thighs, I really hadn't considered what might happen, and said so to my friend. We sat back and watched.
We hadn't long to wait. The first interesting signs were Hymie pushing his head back between his front legs as far as he could. He was evidently experiencing an interesting sensation and was trying to see what had happened to his rear end. Suddenly his head snapped back and he emitted a blood-curdling howl, reminiscent of the "Hound of the Baskervilles" in Conan-Doyles excellent mystery novel.
Shocked, I asked my friend whether we shouldn't do something but having seen Hymie in a rage once before he advised caution. By now the dog was hopping around the living room table emitting short shrill yelps and kicking both legs in the air. Now and then he looked behind him to see whether he was gaining ground on whatever was attacking him. The leaps got less but the speed increased until he was circling the living room faster and faster. Then, to our surprise, the old dog made a leap for the window - luckily open in last week's warm weather - and vanished outside. We made a dive for the door and opened it. We could hardly believe our eyes: surrounded by clouds of steam and accompanied by a loud hissing sound, Hymie sat with his rear end in the ornamental fish pool, tongue out and lolling and eyes rolling desperately.
It was at this point that one of the expensive carp in the pool, fascinated by the glowing orbs dangling from Hymie's rear end, decided enough was enough and he shouldn't ignore the free meal seemingly on offer. Amidst the tsunami-like eruption of water, not much was visible, but as it cleared we saw Hymie, a large and infuriated carp attached to his scrotum, heading at Warp Factor Eight for the back garden gate leading out onto Ordnance Crescent in the direction of the Millenium Dome.
As the dog vanished in the distance and the dust settled behind the departing dog, my friend looked at me and said "well, that seemed to have cured the stiffness in Hymie's back legs, didn't it".
What did I do wrong, dear Agony Aunt ? Was it remiss of me not telling my wife the above tale before handing her the liniment to rub into her aching knee joints ?
I collected it in London last week and on the way home was visiting a friend who has an aged bulldog called Hymie as companion. He mentioned that Hymie's rear legs appeared to be getting very stiff and was walking with difficulty. As I had the horse liniment with me I suggested we try it on the dog. He called the dog over and rolled him on his back, so as to get access to the inside of the rear legs which are comparatively hairless and on which he thought the liniment would be more effective.
Accompanied by much stubby-tail-wagging (Hymie loves attention) he rubbed the gooey stuff well in each leg and then allowed the dog to stand up. It was at this point I recalled the instructions on the tub of liniment to avoid getting the stuff in the eyes, on the lips or other "sensitive" areas. Although Hymie has a large and pendulous scrotum, which rubs on the inside of his thighs, I really hadn't considered what might happen, and said so to my friend. We sat back and watched.
We hadn't long to wait. The first interesting signs were Hymie pushing his head back between his front legs as far as he could. He was evidently experiencing an interesting sensation and was trying to see what had happened to his rear end. Suddenly his head snapped back and he emitted a blood-curdling howl, reminiscent of the "Hound of the Baskervilles" in Conan-Doyles excellent mystery novel.
Shocked, I asked my friend whether we shouldn't do something but having seen Hymie in a rage once before he advised caution. By now the dog was hopping around the living room table emitting short shrill yelps and kicking both legs in the air. Now and then he looked behind him to see whether he was gaining ground on whatever was attacking him. The leaps got less but the speed increased until he was circling the living room faster and faster. Then, to our surprise, the old dog made a leap for the window - luckily open in last week's warm weather - and vanished outside. We made a dive for the door and opened it. We could hardly believe our eyes: surrounded by clouds of steam and accompanied by a loud hissing sound, Hymie sat with his rear end in the ornamental fish pool, tongue out and lolling and eyes rolling desperately.
It was at this point that one of the expensive carp in the pool, fascinated by the glowing orbs dangling from Hymie's rear end, decided enough was enough and he shouldn't ignore the free meal seemingly on offer. Amidst the tsunami-like eruption of water, not much was visible, but as it cleared we saw Hymie, a large and infuriated carp attached to his scrotum, heading at Warp Factor Eight for the back garden gate leading out onto Ordnance Crescent in the direction of the Millenium Dome.
As the dog vanished in the distance and the dust settled behind the departing dog, my friend looked at me and said "well, that seemed to have cured the stiffness in Hymie's back legs, didn't it".
What did I do wrong, dear Agony Aunt ? Was it remiss of me not telling my wife the above tale before handing her the liniment to rub into her aching knee joints ?
