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Dear Agony Aunt: where did I go wrong as potential leader ? I had it all planned. Firstly I would present myself to the public as leader of a movement for withdrawal from the European Union. Secondly, when the public had the good sense to see how silly this idea was, I would put my other hat on my flowing blond locks, and present myself as the only leader who could pick up the pieces from the failed referendum, and use my skill in languages to endear myself in Brussels to Junquers, Tusk, etc., and show myself as a champion of the EU. Perhaps a little romantic supper with Angie afterwards, sooth her ruffled charms. Chilled soup, lobster, bottle of '48 Yquem nicked from Honecker's cellar when my dad was over there before the wall came down. Ices à la Hollande for desert, bit rich for my taste, but anything for harmony.

Instead it's all gone wrong: the b*stards gave me what I wanted, or rather what I didn't want, and having shown a fatal reluctance to accept the poisoned chalice and hid in my canal-side house all morning, my old friend Gove didn't hesitate to plunge the dagger in through the old waistcoat and give it a couple of twists for good luck. Still feel it, actually.

Question is, where does your old chum Boris go from here ? A taxi-driver said to me there will shortly be a vacancy over in the flat-cap brigade for a positive leader who sticks to his guns and isn't afraid of facing the PM across the table. Trouble is, the PM is likely to be Theresa May, and I've already been hit by one too many handbags in my life. Master of disguises and all that, but can I present myself as a Socialist in thirty seconds flat ? Cripes ! All looking a bit dodgy career-wise for Boris, auntie. Any ideas ?

You're not a supporter of Queens Park Rangers F.C.

OFSO, think the conservatives are going to be looking for a new leader down here in the near future. Current leader with an adequate majority in the house decided to throw everything out to the people, and has really come a cropper. The people have, to all intents and purposes, said "bugger off, and he is far from being a happy chappie now. Reckon Bo-jo could do well down here.

We've even got Pauline back. She wants to deport all the nig nogs.

Alison

Apparently Oz seems to be heading for a hung Parliament. What an excellent solution - string 'em all up together.

She wants to deport all the nig nogs.

baby, bathwater. I know two very nice Nig Nogs. Only two, you understand, but both lovely people.