Normal life for a pilot.

[AtomKraft]

In these increasingly confused times, I have decided to interject.

As a pilot, you should do the following things everyday, although clearly rostering will have an affect on the order.

1. Give your wife a good shagging.
Although some women may say such things as 'no, get off' or 'I don't want pumping', in truth they rarely complain while actually getting pumped, and never afterwards.
A really good time to slip her your sausage, is when she's getting changed, prior to going out for dinner, or breakfast.

2. Fly the plane.
Try to stay interested, avoid sleeping and remember how to actually fly if it all goes to *****. These people are depending on you, or Rockwell Collins.

3. Eat something. Hopefully your wife will have forgiven you.

4. Drink beer, as much as you can within twelve hours of 2, above.

5. Go to the bog, and deposit 3, above.

6. If there's any time left, sleep- wake up and turn her over.

[TheGreenGoblin]

In these increasingly confused times, I have decided to interject.

As a pilot, you should do the following things everyday, although clearly rostering will have an affect on the order.

1. Give your wife a good shagging.
Although some women may say such things as 'no, get off' or 'I don't want pumping', in truth they rarely complain while actually getting pumped, and never afterwards.
A really good time to slip her your sausage, is when she's getting changed, prior to going out for dinner, or breakfast.

2. Fly the plane.
Try to stay interested, avoid sleeping and remember how to actually fly if it all goes to *sh*t*. These people are depending on you, or Rockwell Collins.

3. Eat something. Hopefully your wife will have forgiven you.

4. Drink beer, as much as you can within twelve hours of 2, above.

5. Go to the bog, and deposit 3, above.

6. If there's any time left, sleep- wake up and turn her over.

Quite right Sir! Nothing controversial there I'll be bound!

[Stoneboat]

4. Drink beer, as much as you can within twelve hours of 2, above.

Arctic pilots...decant said beer after digging around for your dick through seven layers of clothing. Wearing mittens, at -40.

[Slasher]

For me during my last employ it was:

1. Wake up at 8pm and spend time trying to accept the fact I’m doing yet another Cairo.
2. Get reluctantly up once accepted
3. Sh!t shower shampoo shave
4. Towel over trying to remember which part of the towel I dried my arsehole with much earlier that day.
5. Sniff yesterday’s underwear. If not too bad, wear.
6. Dig up pilot shirt from under the bed. Don.
7. Dig up uniform pants from under the couch. Don.
8. Pilot cap behind TV. Leave it to gather more dust.
9. Socks. Same procedure as 5.
10. Uniform tie. In navbag ready for use and ensuring no egg or snot stains.
11. Drive to work.
12. Do signing in, flight planning, wait for F/O while hoping it won’t be FEEL THE PAIN BABY!
13. Relief it’s not him.
14. Arr at aircraft. Offer a bribe if he’s willing to pole both legs. Says no he’ll do the first as he wants to sleep on the last leg.
15. T/O and climb
16. Cruise. Snatch naps where possible after telling F/O not to fcuk around with sh!t (changing levels e.g.) while I do.
15. Descent. Watching TCAS like a hawk.
16. Taxy in. Forget to add power on the uphill areas.
17. Shutdown. Tell F/O final fuel. Wait for all pax to bugger off then go back to BC and snooze.
18. Purser wakes me up to say boarding has started. Feels like I only fell asleep one minute ago!
19. Coffee ordered during preflight. Try to bribe F/O again to do the leg in between his nodding offs.
20. Taxi (remembered where the hills were on the taxiways), T/O climb
21. Cruise. F/O says for me to do the radio and wake him up during descent. Pulls his seat fully back and off for the rest of the flight.
22. More coffee ordered.
23. Ditto
24. Ditto. Halfway there.
25. Dim cockpit lights. Look outside trying to appreciate high flight at FL370 with a full moon. See a 777 - another group of Humanity in the starry sky of Eternity over Sandy Arabia.
26. 25 is over in 4 minutes.
27. More coffee.
28. Brekky brought up. Something to do!
29. Set destination VOR/DME. Joy of joys when it comes in at 205 miles. Light at the end of the tunnel!
30. F/O still sleeping. I leave him be.
31. ATIS, setup cockpit, FMC. Drinking only water now.
32. Descent. Nearly there.
33. Approach. Flap 1.
34. 2000 AGL. Flap 2.
35. 1500 AGL. Gear down. F/O wakes up from all the nose gear racket.
36. I call Flaps full and landing checklist.
37. Greaser. What else.
38. Taxi shutdown. Fill in Tech Log.
39. Get to Crewing. Told after my minimum rest today my next Venus tonight will be on time. Also advised HERE COMES THE PAIN BABY! will be my F/O.
40. Drive home depressed.
41. Get home suddenly busting for a huge piss as I unlock the door. Unleash a furious flood in the Dalton. Strew uniform around the usual places.
42. Pour a stiff glass of ‘shine while I bitch and moan on Ops N about the Venus.
43. See the news on the telly or watch some porn.
44. Check my personal email.
45. Go to sleep and go through the same sh!t again when I wake up!

[llondel]

4. Drink beer, as much as you can within twelve hours of 2, above.

Arctic pilots...decant said beer after digging around for your dick through seven layers of clothing. Wearing mittens, at -40.

I once saw a temperature guide:

Piss freezes when it hits the ground: -40C
Piss freezes before hit hits the ground: -50C
Dick drops off: -60C

[Slasher]

I read somewhere that one’s testicles disappear up one’s armpits (so to speak) at -10C.

Not having been naked from the waist down at such an ambient temp I cannot confirm, but if true then old blokes that painfully sit on their danglies should wear ice packs in their underwear?

[Woody]

I read somewhere that one’s testicles disappear up one’s armpits (so to speak) at -10C.

Not that cold at Perry Oaks International this morning, but I’m trying to warm up enough to go for a piss

[AtomKraft]

-20 here....
I'll check.

[BenThere]

Isn't it truth that some of our best experiences occurred under the most austere conditions? I think it's what gives us our fiber. And it also creates memories and stories to tell. I think the stories I tell about the tough times in Saudi Arabia carry a lot more weight than the stories about staying in 5* hotels in Manhattan, both experiences provided by the job I was doing. The best times, though, were the austere conditions in USAF, when I didn't have much, enjoyed the company I kept, savored a coffee in the morninig and looked forward to an interesting day.

The aftermath, when I resumed a lucrative airline career, is not so interesting, and to be honest, wasn't so interesting to me, even though I loved the bigger paycheck. Wearing that flight suit, with my American flag velcroed on my sleeve, gave me so many incredible experiences over 30 years, I can't express how lucky I am.

[Stoneboat]

Piss freezes when it hits the ground: -40C
Piss freezes before hit hits the ground: -50C
Dick drops off: -60C

Dunno about piss, but spit does before it hits the ground. Can't say for the rest, the coldest I've seen it was -46F.

[Slasher]

-20 here....
I'll check.

So um...Atom. Did your nuts disappear up your armpits or simply drop off into the snow?

[AtomKraft]

I suspect a little shrivelling occurred, but like anything else, you get used to it....
Btw, the reason behind this thread was/is to have a proper pilot talking thread. Free of pc.

[admin]

Btw, the reason behind this thread was/is to have a proper pilot talking thread. Free of pc.

I thought that was what the whole site was about. So do feel free.

Alison

[AtomKraft]

Thank you, Alison.

[AtomKraft]

Today we arrived at our destination early, about 10:00 local, 6 hours after a very early report.
The F/O, despite having his woman with him, immediately suggested beer.
There must be hope!